Q&A What about hand written order forms?

On Jun 19, 2007, at 11:36 PM, Jay wrote:

HI! I'd like a T that says nothing, and nothing says nothing like black. Black is NOTHING ,while white implies light, wich is SOMETHING. I can't find a black shirt on Amazon. Should I use your order form? I don't have a printer ( printer = nothing ). Can I send you a reasonable hand-drawn order-form for a black T with "nothing" on it? I mean "nothing" on the T, NOT THE ORDER FORM! lol. I've worked for an architect for ten years, and my lettering is quite good, so you wouldn't have to worry about sloppy writing. I've got $20 burning a hole in my pocket ( or maybe in my cyberspace account, and who knows where it goes if it burns through that? ;)

So, what do you think? Can I send you a hand written order-form, or do you only accept printed forms?

There is nothing to thank you for, so thanks for NOTHING!
In Nothing-ness; Jay

To which I replied:

Hi Jay,

Yes, you may hand draw the form. And we would never worry about sloppy writing! In fact, you get extra points for a sloppier form that will waste our time. But it still needs to be decipherable. Write an essay if you wish, and cleverly embed your request into the handmade document, so that the entire note must be read to be understood. We might even throw in nothing extra to show our appreciation. Of course, most people seem to assume this anyway. There's really no way to know. The ambiguous nature of our rewards system is the key to you not knowing whether you're a satisfied customer or not. And nothing gives us greater satisfaction than being able to assume our customers are satisfied. But when you buy something (like shirts) from us, you're not only supporting nothing, you're getting something about nothing in return.

All of our outstanding nothing unthusiasts have some sort of memorial constructed in their honor and placed beneath our conference table, or near a nuclear facility, or a lead box or another appropriate location. These are often found quickly and destroyed by the cleaners, but some have lasted for several months. The cleaners will be sacked if monument bunnies start to form. Do they think we are paying them for nothing?!?! Sorry, I just got a little carried away there. We pay them to leave nothing behind.

As for your comment about money burning a hole in your pocket, I'm not one to take things too literally, and your description seems to support the metaphorical nature of your statement. Indeed, the fact that you could type your request and include such details, speaks to the symbolism of your remarks. However, even a metaphorical hole in one's figurative pocket, or the "pocket" one's cyberspace account, carries great meaning to all who know nothing. This is because holes can suggest a sort of gateway to nothing. And nothing is more beautiful than viewing nothing through a hole in the fabric of reality.

Thank you, Jay, for your interest in nothing (and a shirt).

--Xymyl (KON)