Q&A What about hand written order forms?

On Jun 19, 2007, at 11:36 PM, Jay wrote:

HI! I'd like a T that says nothing, and nothing says nothing like black. Black is NOTHING ,while white implies light, wich is SOMETHING. I can't find a black shirt on Amazon. Should I use your order form? I don't have a printer ( printer = nothing ). Can I send you a reasonable hand-drawn order-form for a black T with "nothing" on it? I mean "nothing" on the T, NOT THE ORDER FORM! lol. I've worked for an architect for ten years, and my lettering is quite good, so you wouldn't have to worry about sloppy writing. I've got $20 burning a hole in my pocket ( or maybe in my cyberspace account, and who knows where it goes if it burns through that? ;)

So, what do you think? Can I send you a hand written order-form, or do you only accept printed forms?

There is nothing to thank you for, so thanks for NOTHING!
In Nothing-ness; Jay

To which I replied:

Hi Jay,

Yes, you may hand draw the form. And we would never worry about sloppy writing! In fact, you get extra points for a sloppier form that will waste our time. But it still needs to be decipherable. Write an essay if you wish, and cleverly embed your request into the handmade document, so that the entire note must be read to be understood. We might even throw in nothing extra to show our appreciation. Of course, most people seem to assume this anyway. There's really no way to know. The ambiguous nature of our rewards system is the key to you not knowing whether you're a satisfied customer or not. And nothing gives us greater satisfaction than being able to assume our customers are satisfied. But when you buy something (like shirts) from us, you're not only supporting nothing, you're getting something about nothing in return.

All of our outstanding nothing unthusiasts have some sort of memorial constructed in their honor and placed beneath our conference table, or near a nuclear facility, or a lead box or another appropriate location. These are often found quickly and destroyed by the cleaners, but some have lasted for several months. The cleaners will be sacked if monument bunnies start to form. Do they think we are paying them for nothing?!?! Sorry, I just got a little carried away there. We pay them to leave nothing behind.

As for your comment about money burning a hole in your pocket, I'm not one to take things too literally, and your description seems to support the metaphorical nature of your statement. Indeed, the fact that you could type your request and include such details, speaks to the symbolism of your remarks. However, even a metaphorical hole in one's figurative pocket, or the "pocket" one's cyberspace account, carries great meaning to all who know nothing. This is because holes can suggest a sort of gateway to nothing. And nothing is more beautiful than viewing nothing through a hole in the fabric of reality.

Thank you, Jay, for your interest in nothing (and a shirt).

--Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Why are we asking about nothing?

On Jun 13, 2007, at 2:53 AM, Aryeh Lewis wrote:

Alright, now here's a question!! If nothing is a "no-brainer" as you mentioned earlier....... then why the hell are we all turning to YOU for the answers to nothing!

FYI "no reason" will not be tolerated as an answer, because then you would have to explain why you fooled us with this great web site. And if the answer to that is still no reason, then I am forced to return to my original opinion, which was that you really ought to be sued!!!! :O

To which I responded:

I believe you are referring to when I said, "Whether or not you know anything, knowing nothing should be a "no brainer"."

You seem to have ignored the "should be" in this sentence. I stand by that statement. What is more, to many people knowing nothing is a "no brainer". Knowing that you (yes you) must have some knowledge, I would assume that knowing why you (yes you as an individual) ask questions regarding nothing would be a "no brainer", in the sense that you would have an easy time figuring out why you are asking me questions about nothing.

So I must put it to you, since "no reason" will not be tolerated as an answer and you are the only one who can know why you ask me questions about nothing, the burden of presentation lies squarely in your court. Why do you ask me questions about nothing?

I hope you can think of a good answer, because it seems to me that you will commence legal proceedings toot sweet, if the answer is unsatisfactory.

I would like to give you some advice homonymous (or even more precisely, homophonic) with your own stated fear of my response. If you would like to understand why you seek my advice, I urge you to know reason.

Perhaps, you know exactly why you keep asking questions about nothing. In fact, you said in a recent e-mail, "Your whole email truly helped me with nothing! I thank you! :)" If you were simply looking for help with nothing, that certainly seems like no reason to me.

--Xymyl (KON)

Information Desk: Confused about nothing?

Many people thank me for nothing, in the sense that they appreciate that I have taught them nothing, in the sense that they understand proper usage of the word “nothing” so they can properly express nothing to others.

Nothing they wish to express may be an absolute, relative, or amorphous quality of something, or it may truly be nothing. It is often better if it is a new way of twisting the word nothing with the meanings of that word or the lack of meaning that has been tagged with that word. Better still is when the humor and logic of the statement is only implied, so that to the uninitiated it appears meaningless, when in reality the message is nothing short of pure infotainment to those in the know.

I am both pleased and disturbed by fans who believe that I invented nothing. Yes, I am the King Of Nothing. Even this descriptor is nothing made up by me, but I use it because it is true. Yes, I’ll say it again, the word “nothing” was not created by me but I use it to communicate nothing to the world. Even though this word has vast imperfections - chief amongst them being that it is something, a word - it is still the best darn word to use to let people know what you are referring to isn’t something.

Nothing (the word) has a very redeeming (or negating, depending on your conversational thrust) quality. That is its inherent humor. Nothing is ever good for a laugh, in the sense that the word nothing is always good for a laugh.

I have always had a way with nothing, even no way, anyway, I always have known nothing. Even while learning things (and stuff) I never lost sight of the void of my desires. In civics class my job aptitude test came out to a wash. I was not interested in anything. The teacher thought I was just randomly answering, but I did it exactly as he said. He was mad, but that’s because he didn’t know nothing.

I have heard or used every play on the word nothing, I have used some of them way too many times, but there is a certain negation achieved by repetition that both/neither enhances and/nor detracts from nothing.

Being in the game for the long haul, one needs to be adaptable and willing to make sacrifices. If everyone who knows nothing suddenly decided never to repeat themselves, there would be nothing to say. The delight all nothing unthusiasts would enjoy would be short lived, for the negation achieved would bear scrutiny, and thus conversation. This conversation may or may not be about nothing in the sense that it is or isn’t about anything important or unimportant or in the sense that it isn’t or is about something at all, but it would hardly compare to the relative nothingness that once was a conversation and now has become a parody of that conversation.

We enjoy all of the ways nothing can be expressed in these excitingly relativistic ways. Yet, we know that nothing real really isn’t anything at all. That’s what make’s “it” all the more or less special. “It” isn’t, and we admire nothing about that.