Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Fanmail: Nothing hurt my stomach

On Sep 18, 2007, at 12:44 PM, Gina Turano wrote:

you are hilarious and might even consider putting you on my top 10 hero's list.
my stomach hurts just reading your site. too much..hilarious!!!!
Sincerely, Nothing

To which I responded:

Hi Gina,

I think you are somehow misunderstanding us. We take nothing very seriously!

Following much discussion, we have come to the conclusion that you are reading something into what we are barely saying. Clearly, we are saying something, but this is only a means to no end, to get to the point, which isn't. We know that at times there can be confusion as to what we are trying to say when the real fact of the matter is that we are just trying to say nothing, but we choose to take the long way around. We firmly believe that if the journey is its own reward, then the journey that ends in nothing must be at least twice that. Well, we don't FIRMLY believe that, however we do something forcefully vague about, towards or in reference to it. But we do believe in nothing, and that's something. That is to say belief is something, obviously you already know that nothing isn't something. I could go on and on, but I think you get the point.

I, personally, am very excited about the possibility of being included in your heros list, mostly due to the fact that I have never heard of it. Being included in something so vague and unreferenced as the "Gina Turano Heros List" could be one of my greatest achievements, provided you were willing to make a couple of changes. First off, the number "one" kinda makes me itch. Any chance that you could make a top zero list and put me in a footnote as a former honorary runner up for possible membership consideration? That's more my style (or lack thereof). Also, would you mind not typing so loud? Modern keyboards almost type by themselves, and if there is one thing that we are not about here at nothing.net, it's something, and typing loudly is a thing.

Thank you for your kind words, but thank you even more for your interest in nothing. Without people such as yourself - who truly appreciate nothing - everything would seem a little more interesting, and nobody wants that.

P.S. Sorry about the stomach pain, although we take no responsibility for it, we are deeply (possibly to the point of inversion) disappointed that anything at all happened to you while reading our site.

--Xymyl

4 comments:

adam said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
nothing enthusiast said...

Nothing is not something to be taken lightly. Nothing could make me happier. Nothing is better. Although nothing bothers me, oftentimes I believe I am afraid of nothing. However, on the plus side, there are many curative effects of nothing. Nothing can easily reattach lost limbs. Nothing heals a broken heart. Nothing is also an excellent dietary supplement. Consuming nothing on a regular basis will help you to lose weight and stop drinking. These are not my thoughts, I just often talk about nothing, and think no one should know about it. Or "it" as the case may or may not be.

Quinn said...

Where can you buy nothing?
What does nothing cost?
Does nothing go on sale?
Is nothing trademarked?
Does nothing come in sizes? colors?
Is nothing perishable?
Is nothing returnable?
Is nothing forever?

What is nothing good for?
What is good for nothing?
Is nothing sacred?

Xymyl said...

Thank you both for your voluminous references to nothing. It is truly underwhelming to see such unthusiasm.

Now if I may be so bold as to say I told you so, I've already told you more than that. Well, more or less.

Quinn, If you are really looking for answers, here are a few:

You can only buy nothing from www.nothing.net, anything else is just that. Which is a cheap (although generally far more expensive) substitute. Nothing, accept no substitutes!

Nothing costs five dollars U.S.

Nothing is always on sale for five dollars U.S.

I refuse to answer the trademark question any further than a simple yes or no answer. The answer is yes and no.

Nothing comes in all sizes, no sizes and even more sizes.

Nothing comes in colors in the sense that colors can pass through "it" or surround "it", but "it" cannot "arrive" in colors or own colors. Does that help?

Perishable? No.

Returnable? Yes and no.

Forever? Yes!!!

Nothing is not good for most things, but for everything else "it's" great!!!

Many things are good for nothing, but nothing is that good.

Is nothing sacred? Heck yeah!