Fanmail: Nothing hurt my stomach

On Sep 18, 2007, at 12:44 PM, Gina Turano wrote:

you are hilarious and might even consider putting you on my top 10 hero's list.
my stomach hurts just reading your site. too much..hilarious!!!!
Sincerely, Nothing

To which I responded:

Hi Gina,

I think you are somehow misunderstanding us. We take nothing very seriously!

Following much discussion, we have come to the conclusion that you are reading something into what we are barely saying. Clearly, we are saying something, but this is only a means to no end, to get to the point, which isn't. We know that at times there can be confusion as to what we are trying to say when the real fact of the matter is that we are just trying to say nothing, but we choose to take the long way around. We firmly believe that if the journey is its own reward, then the journey that ends in nothing must be at least twice that. Well, we don't FIRMLY believe that, however we do something forcefully vague about, towards or in reference to it. But we do believe in nothing, and that's something. That is to say belief is something, obviously you already know that nothing isn't something. I could go on and on, but I think you get the point.

I, personally, am very excited about the possibility of being included in your heros list, mostly due to the fact that I have never heard of it. Being included in something so vague and unreferenced as the "Gina Turano Heros List" could be one of my greatest achievements, provided you were willing to make a couple of changes. First off, the number "one" kinda makes me itch. Any chance that you could make a top zero list and put me in a footnote as a former honorary runner up for possible membership consideration? That's more my style (or lack thereof). Also, would you mind not typing so loud? Modern keyboards almost type by themselves, and if there is one thing that we are not about here at nothing.net, it's something, and typing loudly is a thing.

Thank you for your kind words, but thank you even more for your interest in nothing. Without people such as yourself - who truly appreciate nothing - everything would seem a little more interesting, and nobody wants that.

P.S. Sorry about the stomach pain, although we take no responsibility for it, we are deeply (possibly to the point of inversion) disappointed that anything at all happened to you while reading our site.

--Xymyl

Fanmail: Nothing for nothing

On Sep 17, 2007, at 12:50 PM, Larry wrote:

So what you’r saying is if I send you nothing I will still get nothing. Kewl!

I responded thusly:

Hi Larry,

I was shocked to receive your letter. We are not used to being spoken to in this way, even by our (nearly) dear nothing unthusiast core group. But what you say is true, in a sense. So I must address this topic in a way that is not only truthful, heartfelt and sincere, but in a way that is at the same time vague, meaningless and (most importantly) still makes it seem reasonable for people buy nothing from us.

First of all, we never said that you can get nothing without spending money. If you want nothing, you will be expected to pay for "it". If you find that you already have nothing lying around and would like to use "it", then you are probably just noticing our "overflow stock" or "underflow stock" or rather " ", as we prefer to call it. Since the entire universe is within our (redundant overlapping) warehouses, and nothing "is" almost everywhere (although not always in the purest form) your home may be used as one of our storage areas. Be careful, it is commonly found that when nothing is stored in this manner, "it" is highly polluted with anything from dust bunnies to aromatic essences. Although this "nothing" may have nothing in it, there's certainly something more to it. We pride ourselves on not trying to get you the finest quality nothing available, mostly because nothing isn't available in the same sense that any thing would be. Certainly nothing is available from us, but not in the same way a tee-shirt might be. For example, we sell tee-shirts, but we haven't been making tee-shirts lately. So there is a demand, but not really much of a supply. In the case of nothing, there is both an infinite supply and a modest demand, on the other hand, there is no supply at all and a modest demand. The laws of supply and demand indicate that on the one count nothing should be very inexpensive because "it" doesn't do anything, and there is very little demand for "it". On the other count, there is a modest demand and no supply at all, so it should be nearly infinitely expensive. The problem with a product that is infinitely expensive is that it is very difficult to close the sale on it. Now imagine there wasn't even a product. That's the dilemma that confronted our marketeers when they sat down with us at the very large, yet seemingly infinitely small table that we all sit around to talk about nothing. As a side note, you should really see this table, it is like something (or almost nothing) that would be dreamt up by the right halves M.C. Escher's and Salvador Dali's brains if they could somehow have been functionally fused together.

Anyway, you are probably wondering what the outcome of that discussion was. The two prong answer was simple:

#1 "Do Nothing". Live the product. Be the product. Promote the product in everything you do. Since all of these ideas were impossible, we chose to use the concept as a general jumping off point. We really did nothing. Well, not really, but in the sense of not promoting nothing and doing as little as possible, we sorta did nothing.

#2 Nothing costs $5. It was that simple. What is a high enough price that people who think there is an infinite supply of nothing are almost guaranteed not to buy "it"? What is a low enough price that the people who think nothing is anything will believe the price is too good to be true? Well, as you already know, the answer is "Five Bucks".

It turned out to be a huge success, and an almost insignificant failure! Countless millions of viewers later, we still haven't been promoting ourselves or our products (or lack thereof). Sure, we waste our valuable time. But sales are scarce to the point that many think our sole purpose is to spread good will, which makes little sense to me, but I can't argue with the market. Well, actually I can and will argue with the market...

What was the point I was trying to make? Oh, that's right, nothing. Please, buy nothing. If you don't buy "it" you may have it, but you'll never get "it". Or do you need some kind of multi-million dollar ad campaign to convince you that you need to pay for nothing?

Thank you for your interest in nothing. Peace off!

Top level communication: Quest detours

On Aug 11, 2007, at 8:09 AM, jon dieks wrote:

oh nothing . net how do i thank you it has been many ,many month's since our last e-mail. i wanted to thank you for your encourgement in my quest for nothingness, and as in our last corispodance you told me my journey to nothing has begun. i wondered what you meant about taking nothing seriously and ponderd enormously about it , and then all these signs started pointing my in directions, leading me nowhere, and then i found it! my golden apple, and am now a proud poee of discordia! and now all things make sense and nothing makes sense. in a way nothing did before. so i just wanted to thank you (actually the goddess eris commanded it of me) and as a acting poee of discordianism a declare you



























!! (and remember "to eris human"

To which I replied:

Hi Jon,

Thank you for your further comments on a topic that means nothing more to me than it does to you. As for my words of uncouragement, I need clarify my statement before I go any further. I am pretty sure that what I said was, "Your infinite journey has begun." I admire your eagerness, but I have to express that in my arrogant opinion, a few months is a very short turnaround on an infinite journey. In fact, it seems that your journey has ended (give or take) about an eternity too soon.

I already know what you're thinking, so I'll just say it, "Infinity loops back on itself, ergo any exit point on my journey could be considered as the end of an infinite cycle." First, I must applaud you for thinking of such a brilliant wrong argument. If time were circular, that argument would have some merit. With so much talk about space-time we may sometimes forget that time has no spacial properties. Time is something that is measured by its arrival and/or passing. Or to look at it another way, the function a clock performs is keeping track of time. If a clock stops, we do not conclude that time has stopped, or that our work on this planet is done. We simply replace the clock.

I submit that you have been following broken signs leading you to a big bad apple. I think that you simply started in the wrong figurative direction, by pondering enormously about it. (By your use of the word "it" I'm assuming you mean the infinite journey.) You may have done better by thinking about it "at length". Although at first glance, "at length" may seem to be attributing spacial qualities to time, it is merely a way of expressing that one has taken his course through time dealing with or pondering on the matter at hand. Even if we were to view time as a chart we would see a linear progression in this case rather than a circle or a lazy 8.

You also call yourself a POEE of the goddess Eris. By POEE, I can only assume that you mean Powertrain Operations & Engine Engineer. What I'm wondering is what sort of operation is Eris running over there? I knew that the American Auto industry was in the proverbial poo bucket, but now this is all beginning to make sense. Personally, I wouldn't put someone with her track record at the helm of a sinking ship.

I have a tip for you, don't listen to commands from an apple tossin' banshee. It tends to cause trouble, and as we all know, trouble isn't nothing.

I wish you well on your CONTINUING journey. As for your e-mail, great use of negative space and a wickedly bad pun, really, really bad. Freud has been referenced many times as saying that the pun is the lowest form of wit. But Freud would have said anything to get a peek inside the pants of your mind. If indeed Freud did say this, he could have at least delivered it as a pun. Low is almost nothing.

Thank you for your continued interest in nothing.

--Xymyl

Comments: Nothing is wrong with nothing

On Aug 10, 2007, at 3:14 PM, BF wrote:

Hello Xymyl:
I have been enjoying very little about your blog. I hesitate to say "nothing" about it, but there is something about your nothingness you may have overlooked. That "is" this: Nothingness has "it's" flaws. "It's" flaws are an unnecessary apostrophe at the least. "Its" is a word which is possessive without adding an apostrophe. So the unneeded punctuation adds something to an otherwise quite clean and featureless nothingness. Please ignore any typos of my own, as they must be construed as nothing of importance. Have a day!
Your whatever,
B. French

To which I responded:

Hi BF,

Glad to see that you are unjoying the blog. Thank you too for your con-structive comments. However, I take exception to the idea that there is anything to my nothingness.

Actually, I can't remember the original reason that I started doing that (by "that", I mean "it's"). Although it probably had something to do with the fact that pure nothing, the REAL nothing, the "best" nothing, isn't. Thus, when referring to nothing "it" isn't a pronoun (which is also why it's in quotes). I believe that the original thought was along the lines that "it" was going to be separated from its "s" by an apostrophe as a way of further defining that the possessive form was merely a literary tool and not in any way an indication that "it" was anything.

Since I have noticed over the years that this device has not necessarily cleared up the issue, I have often thought of changing my "it's"'s. But a coping device I can use is to pretend that having the point obscured means that nothing (nothing being the general comprehension of nothing as a concept) makes sense, thus everything (everything being the literal devices required to explain nothing) makes sense. Any intelligent person can see that this is a feeble way of reasoning, but it seems to be working anyway. Besides, I can't go back to 1995 and edit those old e-mails up to the present day. So, I have mostly chosen to stick with it. It, of course, being my use of "it's"'s.

None of us should take this here mutt language of English too seriously. We should embrace its flaws and capitalize on them, of course. But we should also feel free to make up new words as needed, and change spellings to fit road signs rather than changing the sign width or font size. Put some florp in your snazzle, because your lingo won't have any flavor if it ain't got juice. People may come here for the grammar, but they stay for no good reason.

Thanks for your general disinterest in nothing. Please keep up the good work.

--Xymyl (KON)

Comments: Nothing inspirational

Okay, I don't usually post my replies to blank e-mails. So by posting this, I am not suggesting that I will start posting responses to all the blank e-mails I receive. This particular e-mail had a subtle confidence to it that unspired me. Obviously, anyone else who sends similar blank e-mails will be acknowledged as well. So without further ado, the letter and my response...

On Aug 5, 2007, at 7:12 AM, allan godshall wrote:

To which I replied:

Thanks for the uncouragement. Your e-mail said "it" all. Just the boost I needed to keep doing nothing all the live-long day. Sometimes nothing seems a vain pursuit, or even a poorly thought out business, but then someone like you comes along and put's everything into perspective. Or do I mean out of perspective? Doesn't really matter. The fact is that you've given me a renewed sense of lack of purpose. I'm going to get back off that horse and try and find a blank space to lie in and just... dwell on the past.

Thanks. I can tell that you really know nothing, and that is a gift to treasure (treasure meaning to put aside or lock away).

--Xymyl (KON)

Fanmail: Nothing for emphasis

On Aug 4, 2007, at 5:51 PM, Caroline and Annalee wrote:

nothing nothing nothing
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nothing nothing nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

To which I responded:

Thanks for the great work!

And you know what 324 times nothing is right? That's right, it's nothing. You almost made something out of it with the triumphant addition of 39 exclamation marks. But you packaged it up neatly with a question mark to save the day. You are to be commended for your poignant use of repetition and punctuation to emphasize nothing. Of course I had to take the time to count them all. It's the least I could do for someone who was willing to do all this for nothing. You score extra points for for your excellent time sponging skills. Keep "it" up.

Q&A Should nothing concern me?

On Jul 22, 2007, at 6:56 PM, No one wrote:

To whom it may not concern,

None of this isn't making sense. Should I be concerned ?

Thanks for "Nothing" , No one.

To which I replied:

Dear No one,

You present a very good and bad question. The answer is clearly, yes and no. Yes, you should be concerned, because nothing should be clear. Apparently nothing isn't clear to you because (to reword your statement), "every little bit of this is making sense". The operative word here is "this". "This" is not nothing. "This" is something. Notwithstanding, "this" is still nothing to be concerned about. So, no, you shouldn't be concerned. Unless you were referring to nothing when you said "this", in which case you should be very concerned. If, however, you were simply referring to nothing as a general concept and thus indicating the existence of that concept when you said "this", don't worry. "This" (in that context) is barely anything. And certainly nothing to worry about. Of course, I don't expect that you will be so pedantic as to worry about "that" (my most recent use of the word nothing) just because of that last sentence.

Thank you for your interest in nothing and your desire to learn whether or not you should be concerned about nothing. I hope this helps.