Saturday, March 31, 2007

Q&A Can we really order shirts?

On Mar 29, 2007, at 9:58 AM, Mike Kust wrote:

Is ordering that t-shirt thing real? Just a question. If not it should that would be AWESOME

To which I responded:

Yes, you can order a tee-shirt by printing, filling out and mailing our easy to use insecure store form. In just a few days we will start selling our tee-shirts and a few other select nothing related items on Amazon. We know that the true nothing loyalists appreciate the irony that can be achieved by ordering nothing (or in fact anything) with our gloriously outdated means of transacting. But we also appreciate that it is so cheap to do e-business these days that we can no longer pretend that our budget does not allow for a little online shopping.

We are proud to do all of this for nothing, but there is nothing wrong with getting a little something back.

Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Religion punishing nothing doers...

On Mar 31, 2007, at 12:52 AM, john cash wrote:

i think in most popular religions theres a possibility of getting punished for doing nothing
but no possibility of getting rewarded doing nothing , am i right?

To which I replied:

Although I cannot claim to be an expert on all the worlds religions, I am the worlds foremost expert on nothing. As such, I would have to say that while there is some possibility of being punished for doing nothing, I think it is much more likely that you would be simply thought little of. Certainly, many religions of various origins would frown upon doing nothing to save someone who was drowning, or doing nothing to help a person in great need.

In these instances, It is a simple matter of knowing that something is right and then not doing it.

However, if someone is offered an opportunity to assist in a bank robbery and they decide to sit on the beach watching people drown, that would be a bit of a toss-up for the majority of religions out there.

You are right about one thing, most religions (as well as most other organizations one might join) would not reward doing nothing. Many, for the simple fact that there is rarely any way of knowing that someone was doing nothing, so even the organizations that would love to reward the doing of nothing have to settle for rewarding the people who do less bad stuff. That isn't so bad for all of us who just love to spend a day doing nothing, because doing nothing is its own reward.

Nothing is more important to me right now than making sure this issue is fully explained to you, so I hope what I already said is good enough.

Xymyl (KON) Stating the obvious and signing out.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Fanmail: nobody helps me with nothing

On Mar 24, 2007, at 11:00 PM, jon dieks wrote:

well thank you again for a swift response to my e-mail but once again i found myself sadend by your response and relised i was was going nowhere with all this. but since i was going nowhere i figured i might as well talk to no one about this. no one said" i should talk to nobody about nothing". i decided that might be a good idea so i asked nobody about nothing. and nobody said " nothing is possible" and that sparked my hope(because i was starting to get depressed about the whole situation). so i inquired as to how . nobody told me to close my eyes and think of nothing, then open them. and guess what!!!!!!!! NOTHING HAPPEND!!!! so nobody said to me that even though i may be something or somebody. that nothing always happens. that i should be thankful for nothing. so i will thank nobody for nothing. and thank you for nothing. i sure hope you haven't cornerd the market on nothing. as i like to get in on this action of nothing. i thought about burning stuff and building my electro magnetic magnet but relized it takes a whole lot of something to get nothing. so well i may still dream of nothing,hope for nothing ,or want nothing, i've relised that i am getting nothing out of life. which makes me so happy(nothing excites me). but as i end this i've noticed that for someone who has a website about nothing you sure know alot about something.

To which I responded:

I am glad you were able to find nobody to help you with nothing. And what wasn't said by anyone was also said by you, and it is true. When we are willing to listen to nobody then nothing is possible. I am positively (yes positively) thrilled that no one was able to restore your hope in nothing. And even though this may seem to slightly contradict the facts (and lack thereof) that I have shared with you in previous correspondences, I must say, your story is nothing if not a success.

As for your desire to embark on a nothing venture, we do have what is referred to as a nonopoly on nothing. This means that we have the exclusive right to sell nothing. You may wonder how this could be, and ask, "Isn't everything regulated by the world governments?" Of course, as you mouth these words you will be struck by the fact that nothing isn't regulated by the world governments in some way or another. This means that we stand alone as the one entity with control over nothing. Yes, we are the only group with full authority over nothing. We plan to keep it that way. But this doesn't mean that nothing can't be yours, just that "it" isn't.

As for knowing a lot about something, we have to, we are surrounded by it. But to us something isn't a hinderance, it is simply an obstacle to be overcome to get back to "the cold dead void" of nothing, where we feel most comfortable. We feel less and less and/or more and more significant with each piece of trivia we accidentally learn while educating the world about nothing. Since the blessing is thus a curse and the curse a blessing, the knowledge we take in often times achieves its own negation due to the knowledge (or lack thereof) that is imparted as a product of its use.

People sometimes say that we take nothing seriously. I would say to everyone that nothing should be taken too seriously, way too seriously. And can nothing really be taken too seriously? No. But why not try?

Thank you for your thanks for nothing. Your infinite journey has begun.

--Xymyl (KON)

Friday, March 23, 2007

Fanmail: still determined to be nothing

On Mar 22, 2007, at 5:08 PM, jon dieks wrote:

although relativley dismayed at the prospect of never being in my e-mail wanting to be nothing.i but i've found a new hope. it all relates to my consciousness as the expression " i think there for i am" so even if my physical self cannot in effect become nothing but ash molicules atoms or energy if i lost the abillity to be conscious i would not know i was ash molicules atoms energy protons nucleons or any other ions or eons i would ineffect be come nothing. because i wouldn't be able to think of something. and as we all know notyhing is perfect. so one glorious day nothing may be mine.

To which I responded:

I'm also deeply saddened at the thought that you cannot be nothing. If you were nothing I could sell you for 5 dollars.

I can see that you are very driven to succeed at nothing, especially at becoming nothing. You remind me of nobody specific. I remember distinctly talking to him about something, and he got mad, I had to say nothing louder than I had ever yelled before to explain to him that I was kidding. But I'll tell you this, If you have even none of the dedication he had to nothing, you won't get far. And I don't need to tell you that that's not saying much.

The phrase you are referring to, "I think, therefore I am" is a truncated form of a phrase less popular (but nonetheless popularized) by René Descartes, "I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am". Indeed, the shortened and long versions of this phrase are not truly negated by their inversion. And the subject "I" exists, at least as forensic evidence. On the shorty tip, the inverse of our famous phrase of discussion would perhaps be "I think not, therefore I am not" or "I think not, therefore I am nothing" or perhaps "I do not think, therefore I am nothing" this interpretation is easily put to rest when we realize that trees, rocks, and even earthworms, "think not" and yet "are". Also, if "I think not" was used as it often is, as a statement of doubt, then the philosophical crux of your gist would have been overridden by itself, being that "I think not, therefore I am" is almost identical in meaning to our original source phrase. Of course, you know that I could go on and on, but suffice it to say that fulfilling the broader meaning of a phrase during an attempt at its nullification is not going to accomplish nothing. Certainly, the existence of the subject "I" proves being. He could have just said, "I". That would have been good enough for me.

It is interesting to note that not all of René D's thoughts were completely abolished at his demise. He had apparently wanted to be "am" for as long as possible, so he had the faith that if he wrote down his doubts and other whimsical musings, they would be preserved for us so that in a sense he would still be with us, to impart doubts about the very things he believed in. Of course, in a very real sense, he's dead. But give him props 'cause dude's still am'n it old school!

If you find a way to doubt after your own death then you will have still earned your pi meson (sized) shrine as promised. Of course Descartes was also a math addict, he was all about precise convolution. In a very real way the guy was "all up in everything's business" and I most certainly mean that in a way, but he wasted peoples time, and he's still doing it every day at school even though he's long gone.

To summarize, no thought does equal nothing in relation to thought itself, but if those thoughts are preserved in, oh I don't know, perhaps an e-mail, then in a sense those thoughts still exist. So you are speaking of an existence devoid of future thought. Many people who are still alive and going through their daily activities never come up with even 1 original thought. They live each day as though nothing has happened to them. And that's not far away from the truth.

I have faith in you, the same type of faith as a man who doubts. I believe in your ability to create an electromagnet so powerful that you will be able to destroy all the data on every computer in the world that may contain any record of your existence and/or the existence of your thoughts. I believe in your ability to burn down your house so thoroughly that not a minute trace of your existence will be left at that location. I believe that you can find every copy of your social security number that you've ever put on a medical form or given to an employer or prospective employer and pour kerosene on them and ignite them without once being noticed. I believe you can track down and destroy every school you ever went to. I believe you can expunge your FBI files. Clearly I could go on and on, suffice it to say, I believe you can get rid of every shred of information that says you exist, and when this is accomplished, I believe you will send me an e-mail telling me you did it. The irony will be worth it, because all of that would have been for nothing.

--Xymyl KON)

Monday, March 19, 2007

Giving nothing loyalists something back...

Following are a few notes from this years ∞ anniversary of nothing. These are all taken from the kudos and hoorays section.

Here at we get a lot of fan mail and numerous questions from our loyal readers. We know they are loyal, because only people of extreme loyalty would actually keep up with a site that rarely ever changes, then never changes much at that.

We appreciate nothing (just slightly) more than loyalty. Even though it is loyalty to nothing, that might as well be loyalty to us, and often it is.

So in honor of the loyalty you show, here is a little dedication to the many nothing loyalists who leave the e-mail subject lines blank, and just sign a name at the bottom of a blank document: Nothing is better than someone who makes us believe that they know nothing, except someone who keeps us guessing.

Now we will honor the nothing loyalists who leave both subject and e-mail body blank with no name included: Kudos!

Now we will honor the nothing loyalists who start sending an e-mail and then stop before sending it, as well as the ones who never have sent us an e-mail: Nice!

Now we will honor the people who constantly steal our ideas: Jackasses!

Now we will pay tribute to those who pay us for nothing: Thank You!

Finally, we honor our selves, without whom nothing would be possible but nobody would know:

Thank you for joining us today for this happy occasion.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Q&A Are memories nothing?

On Mar 14, 2007, at 9:43 AM, Rachel Madigin wrote:

that really is "something".
you people really amaze me i mean really i have always believed that nothing is nothing, and that is that. i read some of the blogs like "chrissy", the talkers of nothing, the university students, and the charles dowd. it really amazes me that so many people need such a large explanation about nothing. it is nothing really what is there to understand?

my only question is are memories nothing? i ask this because after we die all we really are to people are memories and pictures right? so after we die are we nothing or are we something?

-14 years old

To which I had no choice but to reply:

You too are a fake, a fake supporter of nothing, and a fake fan of nothing. Or else you are on drugs, which is a great way to make your life amount to nothing, but it will never make you become nothing. I can tell real amazement when I see it. My whole life I have been surrounded by amazed, stunned awestruck and bewildered fans. A person who was truly amazed by nothing would never start with a line about something or even "something" whatever that is supposed to be.

You say you read the blog post regarding "Talking about nothing", there was nothing in that e-mail to indicate that they didn't know nothing. My response was one of appreciation for the undorsement they provided.

You say you are amazed that so many need such a "large" explanation about nothing. Then you say it. You, being so well verse in the "ways" of nothing will clearly see your mistake as if there is nothing to obstruct your view of reality.

You would like to know if memories are nothing? Of course memories are something! It's called provenance. It is a great way to sell nothing from the past, even better with a photo. The sales pitch could contain something (yes something) like, "I remember doing nothing that hot summer day, here is a photo, if you buy now, the photos and memories are free".

Your "only" question is all the more irritating because you pretend to have more than a rudimentary knowledge of nothing and even go so far as to poke fun at real nothing enthusiasts. In the future, please remember to bundle yourself in with the people like psycho-robo-spambot girl and others of her ilk.

As for the part of your question dealing with what we are to others after death, what doesn't that have to do with anything? Do you really think that opinions can change anything about nothing?

As for the question of what are we after death, you could have just read a little further and found that out, this is already clearly explained in abundant detail in the 2/18/07 post entitled "Fanmail: want to be nothing".

So there you have it, some more information about nothing.


Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Little Girls, Robots and Nothing

On Mar 13, 2007, at 11:27 AM, a psychotic child or amazing super robot calling itself Christyn Michelle Garber wrote:

Hello, my name is Chrissy. I am 12 years old and i have visited your website numerous times. I have read everything you wrote about nothing and I believe in it too. I have written numerous reports on nothing even before I discovered your web page. I have skipped two grades for my writing and math abilities and am now in the eighth grade. Your page has helped me understand the property of zero in math and has improved my writing ability on account of my writing has been published in a few magazines for about seven issues. I would like to get to know you better so i can listen to some of your reasoning on why nothing is better than something. Please reply; if you cannot I will understand. Thank You, Chrissy

To which I did not e-mail a reply as follows:

Chrissy, when we here at were 12 we were not interested in 12 year old girls, and now at more than 3 times that age, we still haven’t been swayed by their ignorant charms or their similarities to fuzzy logic spambots.

If you are a real little girl “Chrissy” then I apologize for being the one who has to tell you that you are belching out spam around the globe. Perhaps the only way they could get their artificial intelligence to work is by strapping the computer to a little girl. I’m not saying that all little girls are stupid, but many of them are like you Chrissy, they go around collecting e-mail addresses from boys who have their own websites, then won’t stop spamming them and writing their names on their schoolbooks. You are already two grades ahead of yourself, and the boys in your grade are presumably 2 years older than you. Isn’t it time you left the world of spam? It is now so very childish and beneath you!!

You couldn’t possibly have read everything I’ve written about nothing because most of my writings about nothing have never been made public. You say you believe in it too, not believe in “it” too. This shows that no matter what you say you’ve learned, you have not learned nothing from reading the website.

You say you have written numerous reports on nothing before looking at the site, and that your writing has been improved “on account of my writing has been published...” you realize that doesn’t make any sense in the context of your letter, right? I hope you also realize that you are a very poor writer and should be ashamed rather than proud of having your writing available to the public.

You state that has helped you understand the mathematical property of zero. Why should we care about that? Zero sucks! Zero is a sad excuse for nothing most of the time, and when zero is nothing, nothing is a better descriptor. Zero can have properties, yes, we get IT, but we don’t want zero coming around here with all its stale sticky properties. Don’t act like we promote zero, if anything, we would like to demote zero, that’s it.

I can’t continue to reply to this letter as though there is a real person on the other end, you are a sick stale zero of a robo-little girl. Whoever programmed you is a loser, a big fat zero. Next time, if you can’t be programmed to say anything worthwhile, just say nothing.

Please don’t bother to reply, because you nothing to us.

We all hate you Chrissy.

Friday, March 9, 2007

Talking about nothing, a good start!

On Mar 9, 2007, at 5:58 AM, Jean LaClair wrote:

We were talking about nothing and realized that nothing does nothing better than the nothing website!

To which I replied:

Thank you for your (dis?)passionate undorsement! We are at the gateway to a new era of understanding wherein everyone will appreciate nothing for "what" "it" truly "is", at least that's how it will be if I have nothing to do with it.

I'm glad you have been talking about nothing, but remember, talk is cheap. When you're ready to get involved, that's when you see how little you can accomplish! Maybe you'll be one of the few who can look back honestly at all their hard work with a sense of pride and satisfaction, knowing that it all amounts to nothing. That feeling is something* no one can take away from you. Even if people could take it away they don't even want to. I have that feeling every day, and so far, nobody has even made an indifferent attempt to take it away from me.

*Something: I was going to explain this term in a footnote, but something could be anything. It is really vague when you think about it, just forget about this footnote. Sorry.

Q&A Big nothing on campus

On Mar 5, 2007, at 4:54 PM, Two Student LEAD Activities Coordinators wrote:


We are the Activities Coordinators from Chapman University in Orange California. We stumbled upon your website and have become intrigued, fascinated, and just flat out entertained really, by NOTHING. We are intersted in doing a presentation on nothing. Would you be willing to come onto our campus to help us promote nothing.

Thanks for nothing!

To which I eventually got around to responding:

Dear Student LEAD Activities Coordinators from Chapman University,

You may have already guessed that my response to your request would come off as shallow and trite and that it would be full of now clichéd witticisms about nothing. Well, as you may by now have second-guessed, nothing could be further from the truth. I suppose you are still reeling to have found that the sentence just prior to this was stated without the slightest irony intended. I would venture a guess that you are very disappointed about nothing, in the sense that nothing of note seems to be happening in this little e-memo. I would like to reassure/disappoint you further by stating that nothing by which you are now saddened is exactly as it seems.

Now I will present my concerns:

I am concerned that your long titles (which seem to include acronyms as well) might detract from the purpose (or lack thereof) of such a presentation. I too have a acronymous title (KON), but it is not placed within another title like yours is. If you could somehow convince me that your titles are meaningless or somehow logically negated by their own existence then that would certainly clear up a major obstacle to my physical arrival at your campus to assist you with nothing. Alternately could you just acronym the whole deal in one of the following ways, by either beginning with current acronym and then creating a second acronym after that (LEAD SAC) or just shoving it all together as an acronym in the current order (SLEADAC)?

I would hate to arrive at your campus only to find that you don't know nothing. Can you prove that our combined efforts would result in a unified message (or lack thereof)? What type of presentation did you have in mind?

Finally, everything costs money. You would logically then assume that nothing (being no thing) would be exempt from any charges. Here is where I could say something to pseudo-cleverly twist the meanings of words and pretend that I had logically made it perfectly sensible to purchase nothing or to pay me for assistance with nothing. There is no reason to do such a thing because you already see that nothing is truly invaluable and my guidance on matters which may or may not pertain to anything is of inestimable worth. It is understandable then that doing my taxes is nothing short of traumatic. In other words, you don't expect me to do nothing to help you for free, do you?

Notice that I didn't say "do nothing to help you for nothing"? That would just cause confusion.

Thank you for your interest in nothing. It is truly an exciting time for nothing now that almost everything sucks. I hope I can assist you in your goals (or lack thereof) and encourage as many as possible to accomplish nothing with their lives. Some young people, being optimistic and innocent, think they can't do it. But I KNOW they can't. If they just have someone who believes in them, there's nothing they can't accomplish or whatever.

--Xymyl (KON)