Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Don't start complaining...

Please don't complain to us for not posting anything on this blog. We're just doing our job, which is nothing. TCNB baby.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Q&A Is a website something, what's nothing?

On Feb 21, 2007, at 11:53 PM, Charlie Dowd wrote:

OK, if you guys are all about nothing, 1.)Why do you have a website that is "something" and it sells "something? 2.)Nothing is something isn't it?

To which I replied:

It is true what you say regarding our commitment to nothing. We are virtually devoted to nothing and want others to appreciate nothing as much as we do.

As for your first question, I'll have to answer that in two parts.

1a: I will agree with you that a website is something, but it is the least (thing) of almost any other advertising medium. Even Word-of-mouth must come from a discernible location or the benefits of using that medium are void. When you think about it, a web site requires no specific location, it is nowhere to be found, and yet it is everywhere. Obviously, it must reside on a server somewhere but the space it takes up is minimal. If you look at our site specifically, it escapes almost all criteria for even being tangible (by dictionary definition). That's why so many people ask us questions that are already explained in detail on our site. To summarize and illustrate, the site is something, but it is about nothing. You wouldn't write to car manufacturer and ask them, "If you are all about cars, why do you advertise on television and in magazines?" You know they wouldn't do all their advertising on their cars because people don't usually read cars, you can't fit a car in their pocket, and you can't demonstrate a car at any random occasion in someone's home unless it fits on a TV screen, computer screen, or is on the page next to what you are reading, again, not on a car but in, on, or displayed by something that is more appropriate for distribution.

1b: We sell tee-shirts (which is currently the only thing we sell) for much the same reasons as mentioned above, It is a great advertising tool. People can read them when you walk around wearing them. They cost us nothing in the long run because people buy them from us, thus paying our (shirt) advertising costs. This would make it about as good an advertising tool as putting the name of a car on a car, except a car can't usually go to the mall, it can't spread word-of-mouth (but people will ask about shirts that say nothing on them), and it has to be parked. Shirts can use any mode of transportation you can use. So they are about the best "free" advertising you can get.

2: NO, Nothing isn't something. YES, people can buy nothing. The word nothing is something but the real meaning of that word is nothing. I know it is difficult to comprehend because the word nothing has the word "thing" as its base. Thus, most people think nothing is a thing. The prefix "no" helps us to see more clearly that nothing really has no thing to "it", and although this isn't the very best definition (nothing is), "nothing is the absence of thing". This quality of the word nothing is great comic fodder due to the paradoxical, ironic, and homonymous relationship the word nothing mostly doesn't share with its meaning. So, once again to summarize and illustrate. Nothing "is" "the" "it" "that" doesn't exist. We use the word nothing to help us sell nothing. It (the word nothing) is everything you could ever want in a marketing concept (and less). "It" (nothing) isn't. Imagine everything, now imagine everything being gone (including yourself), now imagine that you (nonexistent) didn't even imagine all of that, now imagine your (nonexistent) self making a joke about the impossibility of all that, now imagine yourself (nonexistent) using that joke to help sell something important, now imagine that what you (nonexistent) thought was something important turned out to be nothing important, now picture yourself (nonexistent) with nothing. I hope that illustration clears everything (nonexistent) up. It is sometimes difficult to answer so many something-centric questions, when my stated purpose doesn't exist.

At any rate, thank you for your questions regarding nothing.

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Fanmail: want to be nothing

On Feb 18, 2007, at 11:37 AM, jon dieks wrote:

i just wanted to write and say i love nothing. the other day this girl asked if i'd like to take her for cofee and i replied " i'd like nothing better" i think about nothing all the time and can't wait to do nothing. i aspire to be nothing. feel nothing, hope for nothing. nothing amazes me. i am thrilled to have found your site and can't wait to pass nothing on.nothing's great, nothing is my religon. here's to hoping you do nothing with yourself!!!!!!!!!!

To which I replied:

You are clearly enthusiastic about nothing. This is good, it shows that you're not jaded. Too many young people these days would rather go to a substance bar and drink something, or travel the whole world and see everything, or hang out with somebody and do whatever it is they do. It does nothing for me to see that there are people like you in this world who aren't willing to let anything get in the way of getting nothing out of life, and I mean that in almost no way at all.

As for your desire to "be nothing" that's pretty much impossible because you exist not only in a sentient living form but also as numerous atoms, so, even if you cease to exist as a living organism, you would still exist as compost, ashes, or a display in a tacky pseudo-medical art exhibit. Even if you found a way to perform a multi-phase fission/fusion reaction that would eventually break you down into energy leaving no matter whatsoever, you would still exist as energy, energy that could possibly even become matter again. Don't get me wrong, we would still see such a feat as an amazing uncomplishment and an outstanding dedication to nothing. Even though you wouldn't have become nothing in the truest sense, we would proudly erect a very small shrine in your honor approximately the size of pi meson in or near a local nuclear power generating facility. This symbolizes the hard work and dedication it takes to accomplish next to nothing. This is a very rare honor, and among the very few outstanding recipients are those two guys who discovered cold fusion, and that dude who travels all over the place with the perpetual motion machine. So you'll be in good company.

You seem to have the drive that will accomplish very little, if not nothing at all.

Q&A Sending nothing to Canada...

On Feb 18, 2007, at 10:54 AM, i want nothing wrote:

i really want nothing....... this is total genius and i've been searching my whole life for nothing. if i woulda known a could buy nothing i woulda done it ages ago. but my problem is i live in canada, but i really want and desire nothing ,if i threw in the extra coin could you send nothing to canada? and a t-shirt that says nothing?

To which I responded:

I'm happy to have been instrumental in aiding you with your search. I'm not bragging when I say of myself, "without me the world would still believe that nothing was something else, rather than nothing at all." I'm also not being egotistical when I quote myself.

I appreciate that you want to buy nothing and a shirt, and I would like to assist you in getting nothing plus the tee-shirt which may help other Canadians start their search for nothing. How about this, you figure out the exchange rate and send in the form, and as long as the exchange rate is still correct when the check arrives we'll send your shirt and nothing and instructions.

We are seriously considering setting up a little store from which to shop online so you could wait for that, but this whole fill out a form and send us a check is more our speed so we may never bother to change it.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Q&A Curious about money

On Feb 17, 2007, at 11:13 AM, Curious in Missouri wrote:

Has anyone ever actually mailed you a check?

To which I replied:

Of course people send us checks! How would they buy nothing without money? I don't think you understand the world of finance. You see the marketplace is full of goods and services. People all over the world believe they have something someone else wants, and if they believe hard enough then it comes true, then they sell the thing that everybody now thinks they want. But if you have nothing to sell it is best just to be honest with yourself and everyone else. In the world of something, anything and everything goes. Advertisers and corporations can lie about the product or services they offer and nothing can be done about it. That's where we come in, we are perfectly positioned to do nothing about it.

Nothing isn't a product, so even if we chose to lie, we would be lying about nothing, which is almost better than telling the truth. The truth is that nothing in the world marketplace is very good and by selling nothing we are able to cut down on shipping expenses and pass the savings on to you. That's why nothing is still only $5.00 (US) after more than 11 years on the internet and an eternity in the universal marketplace. You try to find a deal like that anywhere else in the universe and you won't, you know why? Because we looked for it and it doesn't exist. That's why people are willing to fill out forms longhand and mail us checks.

Of course, some people want to show support for nothing by by buying one of our tee-shirts. Because shirts are something, they cost more than nothing but if you have to spend money on something it may as well be something about nothing. Plus, once you have the shirt in your possession you can do whatever you want with it for the rest of eternity with no further payments. And that's not all, when you buy a tee-shirt that says nothing on it you also get nothing, hey, just because you bought something doesn't mean you can't also get nothing! And in this limited time offer (which has been going on since the beginning of time) when you buy nothing you also get our instruction booklet free! This 32 page booklet makes nothing easy! After just a few days, you'll see that there is nothing like nothing. Impress your friends or your lack of friends when they (or -they) find out how little money it takes to no longer have that little bit of money but instead have nothing and a free book about how to use nothing, do nothing, wear nothing and more (or less).

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Fanmail: Kind words...

On Feb 15, 2007, at 9:24 PM, steve wrote:

thankyou for this site which is so antithetically delightful in its antipathy to all of the something that is the rest of the net

To which I responded:

Thank you for your well chosen words. At first reading, I wanted to praise/chide you for these words, but I must admit that these words are excellent considering how difficult it is to find words with meaning in english, and ironically, how astoundingly much more difficult it is to find english words with no meaning at all.

I would like to mention though, that we hate something disguised as nothing much more than we hate something in general. Rather than thanking you for your support (as I may with others) I shall thank you for your inertia.

Q&A A pile of nothing?

On Feb 15, 2007, at 10:18 AM, Hendrik wrote:

I would like to order nothing, do you send it in pacs, or just one big pile of nothing, I like to shere it with my frends.
Thank you

To which I responded:

Thank you for your question, but I think you are referring to something and not nothing. I will answer the first part of your question first.

Yes, sometimes we send nothing in a package along with instructions. Other times we send nothing near a package containing instructions. Other times nothing is sent along with no package containing no instructions. This third option must be specifically requested using the methods outlined in our help blog, (in fact, the very first Q&A posting to our blog) at

The second part of your question indicates that you are referring to something and not nothing because you use the term "pile of nothing", something can be piled, almost anything can be piled, but nothing can't be piled. Why? Because "it" isn't, and "things" that aren't can't be piled or even have other things done to them. Also, and this is a minor point that still must be addressed, you shouldn't count "things" that aren't. Yes, even the number "one" is at least 1 too great.

Thank you again for your interest in nothing, I hope this answers your questions.

Fanmail: nothing makes people happy!

On Feb 15, 2007, at 12:31 AM, A fan of nothing wrote:

I got bored, so I googled nothing. This web site is about nothing, and nothing can make me happier.
-A fan of nothing

To which I responded:

Thank you for your interest in nothing. Boredom is not a new way to get to know nothing, but each case of boredom is surely unique. That's why when someone else is bored you can never say, "I know exactly how you feel." Most of the e-mails we get are actually from bored people. It is exciting for all of us here at to see boredom as such a strong motivator for learning. In the old days kids who were bored had to zone out and daydream in order to learn nothing, but today, with computers in almost every classroom the youth (and adults pretending to be young) just look us up online and get to know nothing directly from the "source".

Also, I am thrilled to see that nothing makes you happy. That shows that you are a positive thinker, not like those "glass half full" losers, with them it's always something.

Thursday, February 8, 2007

Q&A Nothing almost defined...

On Feb 8, 2007, at 7:25 PM, Joe Bjorklund wrote:

I decided to look up the definition of nothing in the dictionary and was horrified to find an actual definition, should there not be just a blank space? I have been reading your blogs and am becoming extremely worried about the fact that no matter where I seem to go there is also something. I do not like when I ask people what they are doing and they say "nothing", I am not expecting a run down of all their current bodily functions, or maybe I am, a lot can be implied with such a simple sentence. I also have a distinct aversion to the phrase, something for nothing, this implies that you achieved or received something for putting forth no effort. The lack of effort is not, in any definable way, nothing. This lack of effort, this nothing they refer to is, in fact, something. The speakers of this phrase are turning a verb nothing, into a noun nothing. They are changing the fabric of space, time and language and to me, this act takes extreme effort and is definitely, something. I am also irritating myself by following me everywhere I go. Have a non-existent day.

To which I responded:

Nothing is a word, and as such will be defined in the dictionary. The word nothing is in fact something, but as used by us, it means nothing. I agree that there should be no definition needed to explain the obvious. But by that way of thinking the web site and this blog have no need to exist and yet here they are. One of the biggest problems with the definition of nothing is that they call “it” a noun. And that is the most accurate definition.

I appreciate your concern about being surrounded and hounded by everything. As for the idea of people doing nothing, I believe in nothing as an absolute, but there is also place for a relativistic viewpoint in certain instances. Certainly “doing nothing” is one such instance where this viewpoint must be held. Anything, could never be said to be doing nothing without such a platform. Even dead people decompose and that is certainly something. But, come on! It’s a gimme, they’re doing nothing.

As for your statement about “something for nothing” we are aware of an even more disgusting way of using that term. It is of course, the “SOMETHING FOR NOTHING SCAM”. This is a terrible scam where people are convinced to buy something disguised as nothing. A couple of other blogs already posted here discuss these scams in more detail. There will be many more such posts in the near future, we want the public to stay informed. So you don’t need to tell us about “something for nothing” even though you were trying to say something different than what we are saying.

I like your idea about having a non-existent day, however, I am pretty sure it isn’t possible. Or was the irony or possible paradoxical nature of the comment your point?

Monday, February 5, 2007

Q&A Somebody has a lot of questions...

On Feb 5, 2007, at 7:29 PM, A Concerned Customer wrote:

1. Do you use recyclable packaging when shipping nothing?

2. Can I pay for nothing in installments?

3. Do you freight nothing by weight or volume?

4. Do I get a choice of size and color?

5. Will nothing go out of fashion or do you think it’s timeless?

6. Is nothing collectable? Will it go up in value?

7. Can it go off?

8. Should you guys be date stamping it?

To which I replied:

Hi there Concerned Customer (if indeed that is your real name),

I will try to answer your answer your questions quickly since most of them are either obvious or unnecessary. You do bring up a couple of good questions though, and on those I intend to spend some time. I will apply your scheme of assigning numbers to my answers, so that they correspond to your questions. What possessed you to ask so many questions though? Especially when, you know. Ok, on to the answers.

Answer #1 We don't always ship nothing in a package. But, "It" usually arrives in or near a package. The package is generally very versatile, but not always recyclable. If you opt to not receive the instructions then you may not notice any significant difference in your life due to your exciting purchase since there will be no package at all to herald "its" time of arrival. And being nothing, "it" can exert no force. So you may be confused as to whether or not your order was filled.

Answer #2 Five dollars in installments? That's okay, as long as you opt not to receive the instructions.

Answer #3 This should be obvious. Nothing doesn't have a weight, so, no to the weight. But if you want a certain volume empty* container sent we will charge (you) for all of the shipping costs involved as well as the cost of the packaging.

Answer #4 A size and color of what? I don't understand the question. If you are asking if we can choose our own size and color in an ethnic or hereditary sense. No. If you are asking if we can choose the size and color of the person we might want to get to know on a more personal level. Yes. But sometimes their size and color may change and love will see beyond that. But this isn't a dating forum.

Answer #5 Here, I'll just change your questions to answers. Nothing never goes out of fashion. Nothing is timeless.

Answer #6 No and No.

Answer #7 What? Again, I don't understand. Do you mean go off like a bomb? If this is a trick "big bang" reference I'm not biting. Besides, I believe we have a constantly falling universe, not a constantly expanding universe. Look into it.

Answer #8 No. You say IT a lot as though you think nothing is something. Nothing "isn't" something. That is why "it" is always in brackets. I appreciate your interest in nothing. But to comprehend "it" you'll need to think outside the IT, think beyond the freight or the volume, think above the environment, think past the market, and stop being such a cheapskate. Remember, "it" isn't, and "that" ain't bad.

*Obviously when we say empty we mean we have filled it with nothing. This of course, does NOT mean that we have sucked out any residual atmosphere that would naturally occur within the container. Nor does it mean that we have shielded the container in such a way that it will not allow all forms of light or other features of the electromagnetic spectrum to penetrate the space. Going inside your large box will not have the effect of relieving the force of gravity, unless you are already in such an environment.

Q&A Nothing on the bandwagon?

On Nov 13, 2004, at 10:41 PM, N Robbins wrote:

how many people have ACTUALLY baught the manual (and/or T-Shirts?!)

To which I replied:

Dear Someone,

You seem to be a bit confused about nothing. If you're looking for bandwagon marketing and a "everybody's doing it" sales pitch then you don't know nothing at all. We only want people to buy nothing if they truly care about nothing. And we only want you to wear a "nothing" tee-shirt if you understand nothing well enough to explain that there is no such thing or that "it" does not exist. Thus, through our laziness we devised a method of testing the interest and understanding of each viewer of the site. You must order by printing out the form and sending a check. Now, we know that no one wants to do that, and that is how we test them to see if they understand nothing. I must tell you, it works brilliantly.

We have considered using online shopping. It's actually much cheaper and easier for us, but we'll probably still wait a while. We are afraid it may look a bit too somethingy.

Also, we don't sell manuals. You buy nothing and the manual is free.

Q&A Nothing for the Blues Brothers to eat...

On Nov 23, 2004, at 4:43 PM, Rich Interdonato wrote:

I believe that the "Nothing Double Decker" is also referred to as a "Wish Sandwich". Keep up nothing.

To which I replied:

Is that a Blues Brothers reference? If so, nice job.

However, a wish sandwich is "where you have two slices of bread and you wish you had some meat". You already have the meat and then remove it to make a nothing double decker.

I will keep up nothing, thanks for the encouragement?

Q&A What "is" nothing?

On Jan 3, 2005, at 12:31 AM, Robert J wrote:

what is nothing anyway? I want to know nothing ASAP, so I can order for it.
regards, Rob

To which I replied:

Hi Rob,

Sorry I took so long to write about nothing. The answer is nothing isn't.

Isn't it interesting that the romans had no zero? There was no concept of what zero was. Zero is something even if only a placeholder when crossing from positive to negative numbers on a chart or equation. In fact, zero is the new 1.

Nothing however, is not. Nothing exists not even as a place holder for something. I find it fascinating that there are no (zero) good words to describe nothing in english. The word I'm stuck with incorporates the word "thing" as as the basis of what "it" isn't. The word nothing exists, so if you were to ask me "what is nothing?" I would have to say what I just said. Since you really asked "What is nothing anyway?" I would also add, nothing IS in only one way. Nothing is a word, a word with meaning.

This word "literally" means "no thing" or "absence of thing".

I hope that helps you with nothing.

--Xymyl (KON)

Q&A No Con

On Jan 29, 2005, at 11:58 AM, Benjamin Branstetter(ST) wrote:

This just may be the greatest con of all time. You actually get people to pay $5 for nothing. I think I just may cry, for you guys are the smartest people I've never met. (Do you guys get a lot of foreigners who don't know what 'nothing' in the english language means, and order it thinking they'll get something?)

To Which I responded:

Thanks for comments. You may be interested to know that although foreigners do often say that they like the site, they never order. Another thing you need to realize is that selling nothing honestly isn't a con. You would need to use some type of trickery or subterfuge to actually con people. People who buy nothing from me are sure that they'll get nothing and are happy that nothing came. The others order tee shirts and worry that they might get nothing, when the tee shirt arrives sometimes they are disappointed. That's the con.

Still, thanks for enjoying nothing.

Sunday, February 4, 2007

Q&A Conversation, What do you do?

There is a conversation that I have all too often. There is some variation but there is one central element. Can you guess what it is? Anyway, the following conversation is a "mashup" if you will, of various similar conversations along that theme:

“What do you do?” I sell nothing on the Internet. “Oh, like Seinfeld, a show about nothing!” No, actually it isn’t anything like that. A show that was actually about nothing wouldn’t be likely to get much airtime, and also, wouldn’t need airtime. But I have no immediate plans on doing a show about nothing, perhaps an infomercial. “Still sounds like Seinfeld to me.” First of all, the show itself wasn’t about nothing, the show very much like it within the show (Jerry) was said to be about nothing. And, just because they used the word nothing to describe the lack of importance of the events, doesn’t mean that it wasn’t about something! “Where did you get the idea from?” Nothing. “Yes, but who gave you the idea?” No one! “Well, I don’t know.” You don’t have to know. “Well, I’m not sure.” What is there to be sure or unsure about? “Well, how did you come up with it?” Nothing, or the idea of selling nothing? “Nothing!” I didn’t come up with nothing, but I believe myself to be the first to fully understand “it”. As for selling nothing, I am also the first to come up with that idea. Others have claimed to sell nothing at times but, as I mentioned before, just because you used the word “nothing” to describe something, does not make that something nothing. Even a con man who exchanges money for nothing usually uses some sort of prop, or perhaps sells a dream or even his own personality. He’s not just selling nothing. I “literally” sell nothing. What’s more, I am the first by a long shot to sell nothing on the Internet. I acquired the domain in 1995 and have had my educational site there ever since. What’s even more, to show my dedication to nothing I’ve left it (the web site) virtually unchanged ever since, with only minor edits and additions. In fact there are broken links that have been there since its creation.

Now that is beautiful.

Q&A Nothing Themed Party

On May 3, 2005, at 4:17 PM, Roy Oaks wrote:

We are having an office party and our designated theme is nothing.  Do you have any suggestions?

To which I responded:


Thank you for your question. We have run across this situation before and have many practical party hints:

1) Don't show up. People will instantly realize you don't know nothing when you actually show up!
2) Don't allow people in. People are something + they are someone, the something/someone one-two punch is sure to ruin even the best attempts at a nothing themed party.
3) Be near as little as possible. A nothing party is best enjoyed in a bare dark room (in lieu of the relative vacuum of space).
4) Don't wear anything. You're alone in the dark, so nobody will notice, but nothing isn't about other people, or you.
5) Don't eat/don't provide food. The only possible exception to this rule is to get store-bought bottled tap water. Or buy regular bottled water and pour it down the drain filling it up again with tap water. The irony more than makes up for the lack of attention to detail. Distilled water technically has less ingredients in it than tap water but the irony is much more apparent with tap water. This is a case where opinions count because it's not nothing. It's a joke about nothing. Of course you may want to mail the water to the employees. Or give it to them as they leave (before the party starts).
6) Use some of our great recipes from the web site. Yes, some of these recipes have something in them but if you follow our previous guidelines no one will notice.
7) Don't worry that you'll get everything right. If you follow these tips nothing will go right.
8) If you must do something, do it with nothing in mind.

Of course we have many other party hints, but there is such a thing as doing too much about nothing. (Or was that much ado?) Doesn't really matter does it?

Remember, nothing can be fun, and nothing lasts forever, so, nothing can ever be fun!

Xymyl (K.O.N.)

Q&A Secret Government Conspiracy Nothing

On Jan 4, 2004, at 1:31 AM, * wrote:

hey there XYMYL; I am representing a well known enterprise that can not be named; I need to know if you are willing to sell this domain name "" ?

To which I responded:

Thanks for your question,

We have no plans to sell the domain ( However, if your offer was too high to resist, We might. But, probably not. And don't feel bad that our correspondence may have accomplished nothing. Feel good about it. That's what we're all here for.


Saturday, February 3, 2007

Q&A Nothing capitalistic

On Nov 24, 2005, at 4:04 AM, A Mad Hatter named "Jeff" wrote:

I found your site a few links away after I was looking up "Black Friday". I found your site do be very funny, but because of the repeated (but still funny) puns of the word "nothing", I didn't understand what you were trying to say.

In making way to your site, I could only understand it to be a civil protest against the inequities of capitalism; my least favorite type of economic policy. I so wish socialism was viable.

Anyway, I'd like for to tell me "nothing" ;-) Just kidding, actually, I would like to find out what "nothing" is all about, as I'm interested, and may like to be a contributor.

Thank you, Jeff

To which I replied:

Hello there Jeff,

It is very difficult to explain the obvious. If anything, that's what the site would be about. But the site is about nothing. To get back to my first point which I didn't have in mind when I made the site back in 1995, or when I started to think seriously about nothing more than a decade earlier, but was clearly in mind when I thought more vaguely about nothing years before that, and not at all before my conception, of which I can happily say "I recall nothing", The obvious. The obvious should be obvious. How can a word not be defined by itself? A single word, whatever the word, should have intrinsic meaning or at least self-evident meaning when in context. Ah, but no. People must read something into everything even if the thing is a word that means a lack of thing. It (the word nothing) is the easiest concept to grasp, yet rarely does anyone comprehend that it is a word which means "it" doesn't exist.

You say, "because of the repeated (but still funny) puns of the word "nothing", I didn't understand what you were trying to say". Yes, the site was meant to be funny when I put it together. That was the secondary point. The other point was to see how many people would understand nothing. That was the tertiary point. Very, very few out of the millions of people who ever visited the site can see the obvious. The main point of course, was nothing.

I would never bother to make any type of public statement on *yawn* economic policy. This may seem to you to be an anarchistic statement (but it isn't)... I leave it to the people who care to figure that stuff out (and they will figure it out wrong, and it doesn't matter). What really matters about any economic or political policy is, is it funny? Happily for everyone, all political and social policies are hilarious. Many are tragic comedies, nonetheless all are great comedy fodder for those who say the obvious for a living. I'm perfectly happy with what little I have. I'm even happier with nothing. See?

Well, I hope you finally know nothing. And I hope you finally see the obvious. And no, it's not about the WORD nothing, it's about NOTHING! And no, nothing is not it! At the most "it's" "it".

P.S. This site has remained almost completely unchanged since its creation in 1995. I don't think there would be any need for contributors who don't know nothing. Besides, I've been writing about nothing for years, I just don't update the site because I think it would confuse the public. "Ah ha!", they may say, "you did something!" Best not to get into that.

Q&A no quest

On Dec 11, 2005, at 12:09 PM, Larry Zang wrote:

I am very intrigued and would like to join your quest for nothing, for absolutely no reason. When should we start? Never!!

To Which I replied:

Dear Larry,

While I admire your lack of initiative, but I can't help but perceive that you view nothing as something to joke about. In reality nothing is nothing to joke about. I also thank you for your offer, however, I don't really need anyone else with me on my "quest for nothing" because there is no such thing. I encourage you however to search for nothing while nothing may be found. And when you finally find nothing don't let anything stand in the way of the happiness that only a boy and nothing can share. The most important thing is the lack of thing. Go out there in to this big fat sweaty world and make a little goose-egg for yourself. When you have nothing you will finally see why there is no quest.

But let us not start never what you alone have already been doing at the time of your writing of your letter to me!

Q&A Volley nothing

On Feb 26, 2006, at 4:32 PM, brian knitter wrote:

what is nothing?

To which I responded:

Answer: What isn't something?

Thanks for the ignorance.

And then for some reason I thought I needed to clarify further and later wrote:

Nothing is your question and nothing is my answer. A more precise answer would be, when it isn't then "it" "is". This answers your question. I hope you understood it. That is to say, I hope you understood your question.

To which, on Mar 9, 2006, at 9:18 PM, brian knitter responded:

yes. thank you for answering this complex,yet so simple answer.

i now understand the true meaning of nothing, because nothing is something too.

To which I replied:

No, nothing isn't something!!! At most, "it" is the opposite of something, and usually not even that! I should just stick to doing nothing and stop trying to help people understand that "it" isn't. They don't get it and, and they don't get "it", and they don't get nothing.

I know, I got a little carried away. Then he got more carried away and quoted:

On Mar 11, 2006, at 8:30 AM, brian knitter wrote:

Nothing is the lack or absence of anything. "Nothing" and "zero" are closely related but not identical concepts. The term "nothing" is rarely used mathematically, though it could be said that a set contains nothing if and only if it is the empty set, in which case its cardinality (or size) is zero. Nothing differs from zero in the way that zero is something, a finite amount which is defined. ...

To which I was obliged to retort:

Very good try. However, you're just trying to prove that you know nothing. I would have believed you too if not for your previous letter. The idea that without the use of a mathematical guidebook (or some such resource) you could have made such a profound logical about-face, is astounding and unfortunately, unbelievable. You see, what you say is quite correct mathematically speaking, and actually somewhat similar to what I would say to someone who was embarking on a journey to truly comprehend nothing. It is plain to see that you haven't truly come to understand nothing. "How did you know?" you may ask. Very good question. You see, knowing (as you do) that I am the KING OF NOTHING, you would feel no need to add mundane math to our discussion of nothing (had you truly come to know nothing). This explanation could be great for helping mentally handicapped babies and the general public (who are generally a step below mentally handicapped babies according to our independent general comprehension surveys) to understand the concept of nothing. No, not nothing "itself", but the concept.

For future reference I would have been much more impressed had you said something like the following:

Nothing as a concept is similar to zero. In a mathematical sense the two can occupy the same space or (at times) even be the same thing. However, no explanation can properly explain nothing as a reality. And yet, this is what I am about to do.

You see, it is simple and yet it has everything. It is insightful and yet it expresses nothing. Try something like that next time.

Q&A Clearing out my inbox

On Dec 27, 2006, Russell Scott wrote:

Does have a competitor?

To which I responded:

Of course has a competitor! It's called everything. This unfair competition happens in two distinct ways: 1) Everything takes up valuable space that would better suited to showcasing nothing. 2) Everybody is always trying to make it seem like nothing is something, thus (in the mind of the "consumer") grouping "it" with everything, which makes people think that when you buy nothing you are actually paying for and getting something or possibly everything. Nothing could be further from the truth. Indeed, if you buy nothing from us you get something as well, but it is free with the purchase of nothing. If you buy a shirt from us, it isn't nothing, it is something. But it showcases nothing quite nicely (in our opinion), and doesn't use any resources (such as light*) that would detract from our message. And as for what nothing isn't, whether you pay for it or not, you either get it or you don't. It is really as simple as that.

*If you are of the school of thought that believes that black in every manifestation is a representation of an absence of color then you would likely choose the black shirt. You would be wrong to choose the black shirt for this reason, but we prefer black as well (for a similar but correct reason). If you are of the school of thought that believes white reflects all colors and thus is black, then you would likely choose the white shirt. Better reasoning, still not 100% correct though. We choose black shirts because we prefer not to reflect too much light, thus easing our consciences about the hazy shadow of indifference often cast in our collective wake.

I hope this answers your question.

Q&A Nothing "operations"

On January 1st David Kapp wrote:

Dear creator of nothing,

I was just wondering if you are still operational as your site does not seem to have changed in many years. Perhaps I just have a bad memory. Anyway, if you are still selling shirts and of course nothing, then reply so I'll know that it's not just an outdated site or something. I would hate to spend money on nothing and never get anything. Yes pun was intended.

Sincerely, David Kapp

To which I responded:

Thank you David, for your questions and observations.

Yes, the site has been almost completely unchanged since its creation in 1995. I'm very happy to see that you have been following our lack of progress over the years. Oh, there have been some minor edits and additions over the years, but only to the extent that is necessary to express nothing.

I don't appreciate your comment about us being operational. I never have thought of us as being "operational", however, we still sell nothing and shirts. If the sale of nothing and shirts is what you consider operational then I guess we will accept that, but it would be good if you could use a more appropriate term such as, "doing nothing" or "involved with nothing" or even "selling nothing". My point is that even though we must do something to promote nothing, some words just sound too busy and can easily be tempered by adding "nothing" to them. Just a little pet peeve of mine (as is the term pet peeve, but for different reasons).

I can understand your concern about not getting anything when ordering nothing. And I can assure you that we have a long tradition of doing something when it is called for. And when people pay money to get nothing, or a shirt. We will do everything in our power to make sure that... you know, this is seeming like salesmanship to me, and that's just not our way. So, let's conclude this little note with a philosophical quiz that will clear everything up.

Q: If a person is in his home hand-writing an order for a tee-shirt and he hears nothing, did someone just cut down a tree and will he get a shirt?

A: Every second, a section of rainforest the size of a football field is cut down. That's 86,400 football fields of rainforest every single day, or over 31 million of such football field-sized slabs of rainforest each year. So there is plenty of paper available for the person to send in as many orders as said person would like. This is the paper used to make, well, printer paper, envelopes and even stamps! Provided that the person remembers to enclose a check for the proper amount and affix proper postage so that the envelope(s) containing the properly filled out form(s) are properly funded and directed (and barring any carelessness or incompetency of the postal employees that would be involved in the logistics of this first leg of the transaction), the probability is great that the envelope(s) containing the form(s) would almost certainly be received by us. Of course, once it arrives at our location it's sort of a crap shoot isn't it?

I hope that puts your mind at ease.

Thank you for your interest in nothing (even if you seem a bit obsessed with something).

Q&A Something for Nothing

On November 17 2006 Todd Reed wrote:

I planned on sending you an email to order nothing, then I thought,………………. why? So I did’nt.
But I changed my mind, so I decided to order nothing instead. And I actually got nothing, which is what I asked for and now I know that nothing really is something, so now I would like nothing again. Can you send it?

To Which I responded:

Hi Todd,

I don't know where you got this "nothing" of yours. But I can assure you that we have a nonopoly on nothing, which means that we have the exclusive right to sell nothing. All the proof I need to show that the "nothing" you acquired is indeed a forgery is right here in the letter you sent, which reads in part, "now I know that nothing really is something". The use of the word something to describe nothing is a clear indicator of your having been duped by what we refer to as a Something for Nothing Scam. A Something for Nothing Scam is when someone has disguised, modified or otherwise disfigured something to make it appear worthless and thus (in the mind of the uninformed) appear to be nothing. Even without seeing whatever it is that you have and refer to as both nothing and something, I can assure you (however worthless it may seem) it is something. You see, something is what can be referred to as minor opposite/neutral of nothing. I would say that the one (and nothing) are nothing alike, but that may confuse you. The fact is, that compared to nothing, something might as well be almost everything (everything being what we refer to as a major opposite/neutral of nothing).

About major and minor opposite/neutrals: Although the word "opposite" really can't apply to nothing, we use the term along with the modifier "neutral" to indicate to the uninitiated that there is no force exerted by nothing in this equation. The true opposite of everything would be -everything. But -everything is still an actual value (a debt which must be paid, which is something), the same is true of something and -something. Understanding this total lack of force and value will help some to think deeply enough to realize that nothing needs no descriptor, just a word, or nothing at all. I could get into a long explanation of the mathematical term zero as used in an equation vs. zero as a generic descriptor of nothing, but as you can tell that should be unnecessary based on what I've already said.

Nothing is not like, akin to or opposite of something, anything, a thing or everything. The only thing about nothing is the word "nothing" which is often used to "describe" "it". The word nothing is something, but it means nothing.

I hope this information will help yourself and others avoid these terrible time-wasting Something for Nothing Scams in the future. I hate to see people suffer because of something masquerading as nothing.

Thanks for your interest in nothing. Sorry you got ripped off.

Yet another blatant nothing rip off...

Somebody has been selling something disguised as nothing to unwitting consumers again. This is just plain sad. While we sit around trying to educate people there are "know-nothings" (who don't) completely confusing the issue by selling trash like this.

I know, you could just go there and buy this because it is right on the image explaining where it came from. But you would be a fool to do this. Because there isn't just nothing inside this plastic dome. There is blatant plagiarism, fiendish copyright infringement, weak conceptualization and mind-numbing misinformation.

I know that millions of people have viewed the site over the years, but how many of those have copied bits and peices of it to try to make a buck? Seems like about 20,000 or so. Since we first published this site we have seen massive ad campaigns, obvious rip off products (such as pictured above), comedy sketches, movie plot lines (and gags), even activist platforms all with obvious nods to This would be great if 1: they were actually teaching people nothing, and 2: we were given credit as the greatest minds on nothing known today. Of course, they pretend they thought of this all by themselves. It is clear to those who know nothing, that these people couldn't have come up with these ideas on their own because they wouldn't make obvious mistakes like the following: The item pictured above contains the words, "Absolutely Nothing" yet it is clear that there is a package containging it. And when I say it, I mean it! This package (which is already something) is full of air, gravitons, photons, a huge crazy range of electro-magnetic wavelengths etc... We have always made it clear that on earth nothing comes packed in air, but we would never put "it" in a see-thru enclosure, or even an enclosure.

I just wanted to educate everyone a little on how to spot a blatant rip-off. But if you read it, it's pretty obvious. Don't waste your money on a scam.

Nothing Q&A

It is only appropriate that questions are answered concerning nothing before I begin writing fascinating musings about nothing. As you know has a few FAQ's and other things but these are quite old since the site has remained virtually unchanged for 12 years.

On November 14, 2006 Robert Green wrote:

Ok I don’t get it and I get everything (well not exactly everything), anyways, lets say I’m sending in $5.00 for nothing but I get the manual and that’s something, so wouldn’t I get something when I’m paying for nothing?

To which I responded:


Good question. Yes, you will be getting something if you order nothing, but this is what is known as a "freebee". It is something we throw in to make the "pot sweeter". As you can probably imagine, it is very difficult to move nothing without a little something extra to go with "it".

Also, seeing as people in general seem to have difficulty understanding the most basic of abstract concepts, we didn't want to have everyone and his lawyer calling us to complain with ridiculous prose such as, "I didn't get my nothing", or, "I got nothing, now how do I use it?", or even, "I didn't get nothing." We decided that if there were instructions with nothing, the "customer" would likely be signaled (by the arrival of the booklet) that the shipment (nothing) had also arrived.

I see how receiving nothing AND something would be disturbing to you. If you would rather not receive the instructions with your order, simply write in very large red letters "NO I DON'T WANT INSTRUCTION BOOK! THANKS FOR NOTHING." and you will receive nothing. The instructions will be put on our wall of fame and a very small shrine (about 1 micron by 1/1000 micron) will be erected in your honor and not removed until the cleaners find it. Basically, it could be here for years. Not that we are doing anything special in your case, this is standard practice here in our office.

Imagine having infinitely large empty warehouses covering more than the entire universe, and you'll understand what we're going through, and why we use "freebees".

Thanks for your interest in nothing, and only nothing.

finding more time for nothing

In this fast paced world it is difficult to find the time to do what you want to do. It is not only difficult, but ironic if what you want to do isn’t anything. Here at we are interested in educating the masses about nothing. What have we accomplished over the past 12 years? Almost nothing. So we’ve decided it is long overdue that we once again do something about nothing. We still believe in nothing, but we’ve come to realize that If we want you to believe in nothing we will once again (sadly) have to do something about it. So, as the saying goes.... here goes nothing...