Saturday, February 3, 2007

Q&A Nothing "operations"

On January 1st David Kapp wrote:

Dear creator of nothing,

I was just wondering if you are still operational as your site does not seem to have changed in many years. Perhaps I just have a bad memory. Anyway, if you are still selling shirts and of course nothing, then reply so I'll know that it's not just an outdated site or something. I would hate to spend money on nothing and never get anything. Yes pun was intended.

Sincerely, David Kapp

To which I responded:

Thank you David, for your questions and observations.

Yes, the site has been almost completely unchanged since its creation in 1995. I'm very happy to see that you have been following our lack of progress over the years. Oh, there have been some minor edits and additions over the years, but only to the extent that is necessary to express nothing.

I don't appreciate your comment about us being operational. I never have thought of us as being "operational", however, we still sell nothing and shirts. If the sale of nothing and shirts is what you consider operational then I guess we will accept that, but it would be good if you could use a more appropriate term such as, "doing nothing" or "involved with nothing" or even "selling nothing". My point is that even though we must do something to promote nothing, some words just sound too busy and can easily be tempered by adding "nothing" to them. Just a little pet peeve of mine (as is the term pet peeve, but for different reasons).

I can understand your concern about not getting anything when ordering nothing. And I can assure you that we have a long tradition of doing something when it is called for. And when people pay money to get nothing, or a shirt. We will do everything in our power to make sure that... you know, this is seeming like salesmanship to me, and that's just not our way. So, let's conclude this little note with a philosophical quiz that will clear everything up.

Q: If a person is in his home hand-writing an order for a tee-shirt and he hears nothing, did someone just cut down a tree and will he get a shirt?

A: Every second, a section of rainforest the size of a football field is cut down. That's 86,400 football fields of rainforest every single day, or over 31 million of such football field-sized slabs of rainforest each year. So there is plenty of paper available for the person to send in as many orders as said person would like. This is the paper used to make, well, printer paper, envelopes and even stamps! Provided that the person remembers to enclose a check for the proper amount and affix proper postage so that the envelope(s) containing the properly filled out form(s) are properly funded and directed (and barring any carelessness or incompetency of the postal employees that would be involved in the logistics of this first leg of the transaction), the probability is great that the envelope(s) containing the form(s) would almost certainly be received by us. Of course, once it arrives at our location it's sort of a crap shoot isn't it?

I hope that puts your mind at ease.

Thank you for your interest in nothing (even if you seem a bit obsessed with something).

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