Saturday, February 3, 2007

Nothing Q&A

It is only appropriate that questions are answered concerning nothing before I begin writing fascinating musings about nothing. As you know has a few FAQ's and other things but these are quite old since the site has remained virtually unchanged for 12 years.

On November 14, 2006 Robert Green wrote:

Ok I don’t get it and I get everything (well not exactly everything), anyways, lets say I’m sending in $5.00 for nothing but I get the manual and that’s something, so wouldn’t I get something when I’m paying for nothing?

To which I responded:


Good question. Yes, you will be getting something if you order nothing, but this is what is known as a "freebee". It is something we throw in to make the "pot sweeter". As you can probably imagine, it is very difficult to move nothing without a little something extra to go with "it".

Also, seeing as people in general seem to have difficulty understanding the most basic of abstract concepts, we didn't want to have everyone and his lawyer calling us to complain with ridiculous prose such as, "I didn't get my nothing", or, "I got nothing, now how do I use it?", or even, "I didn't get nothing." We decided that if there were instructions with nothing, the "customer" would likely be signaled (by the arrival of the booklet) that the shipment (nothing) had also arrived.

I see how receiving nothing AND something would be disturbing to you. If you would rather not receive the instructions with your order, simply write in very large red letters "NO I DON'T WANT INSTRUCTION BOOK! THANKS FOR NOTHING." and you will receive nothing. The instructions will be put on our wall of fame and a very small shrine (about 1 micron by 1/1000 micron) will be erected in your honor and not removed until the cleaners find it. Basically, it could be here for years. Not that we are doing anything special in your case, this is standard practice here in our office.

Imagine having infinitely large empty warehouses covering more than the entire universe, and you'll understand what we're going through, and why we use "freebees".

Thanks for your interest in nothing, and only nothing.

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