Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Information Desk: Confused about nothing?

Many people thank me for nothing, in the sense that they appreciate that I have taught them nothing, in the sense that they understand proper usage of the word “nothing” so they can properly express nothing to others.

Nothing they wish to express may be an absolute, relative, or amorphous quality of something, or it may truly be nothing. It is often better if it is a new way of twisting the word nothing with the meanings of that word or the lack of meaning that has been tagged with that word. Better still is when the humor and logic of the statement is only implied, so that to the uninitiated it appears meaningless, when in reality the message is nothing short of pure infotainment to those in the know.

I am both pleased and disturbed by fans who believe that I invented nothing. Yes, I am the King Of Nothing. Even this descriptor is nothing made up by me, but I use it because it is true. Yes, I’ll say it again, the word “nothing” was not created by me but I use it to communicate nothing to the world. Even though this word has vast imperfections - chief amongst them being that it is something, a word - it is still the best darn word to use to let people know what you are referring to isn’t something.

Nothing (the word) has a very redeeming (or negating, depending on your conversational thrust) quality. That is its inherent humor. Nothing is ever good for a laugh, in the sense that the word nothing is always good for a laugh.

I have always had a way with nothing, even no way, anyway, I always have known nothing. Even while learning things (and stuff) I never lost sight of the void of my desires. In civics class my job aptitude test came out to a wash. I was not interested in anything. The teacher thought I was just randomly answering, but I did it exactly as he said. He was mad, but that’s because he didn’t know nothing.

I have heard or used every play on the word nothing, I have used some of them way too many times, but there is a certain negation achieved by repetition that both/neither enhances and/nor detracts from nothing.

Being in the game for the long haul, one needs to be adaptable and willing to make sacrifices. If everyone who knows nothing suddenly decided never to repeat themselves, there would be nothing to say. The delight all nothing unthusiasts would enjoy would be short lived, for the negation achieved would bear scrutiny, and thus conversation. This conversation may or may not be about nothing in the sense that it is or isn’t about anything important or unimportant or in the sense that it isn’t or is about something at all, but it would hardly compare to the relative nothingness that once was a conversation and now has become a parody of that conversation.

We enjoy all of the ways nothing can be expressed in these excitingly relativistic ways. Yet, we know that nothing real really isn’t anything at all. That’s what make’s “it” all the more or less special. “It” isn’t, and we admire nothing about that.

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