Top level communication: Nothing Creative

On Dec 31, 2007, at 2:26 AM, BASHA ONE wrote:

I was forwarded your site from a person who bought one of my NOTHING graffiti art canvases. I like your site and I am especially glad to see nothing. I love nothing and have been painting nothing for a while now. Check me at ebay under "BASHA ART"

Thanks,
BASHA>>>>>>>>

To which I replied:

BASHA,

Thank you for your e-mail regarding nothing interesting. I must mirror your sentiments about nothing and add that I enjoy nothing more than you do. I know this may come as a shock to someone who has painted nothing for so many years, but I have literally only made 3 paintings in the last 8 years. Absolutely all of the remaining time was dedicated to painting nothing. Once you develop that type of will power and strength of vision, you too will understand what it is to paint nothing interesting, nothing unique, nothing original or even nothing important every time you don't paint. With just a little more (or less) effort maybe even while you are painting you'll draw a blank, then perhaps a vortex, then maybe a black hole...

If you thought I was going somewhere with all this you still have a lot to learn about nothing. I looked at your work, and well I must say it seemed a bit agnomenistic (yes, it's a made up word, but you know what I mean) I could tell you really cared about nothing, and by nothing I mean not just the word nothing, but the real meaning of that word as well.

Perhaps we will collaborate one day by not doing anything to all the dead space in all the galleries in the world. It will be the largest installation ever constructed, what will be even more amazing is that it will require no effort. Are you with me? I'm on board, If you say yes then we've already done it. Of course, even if you don't say yes, we've pretty much already done it.

Here's to nothing collaborative!

--Xymyl (KON)

Fanmail: Nothing remains the same

On Dec 13, 2007, at 3:13 AM, Nishant John wrote:

Change is constant, but nothing will be the same.

To which I replied:

Dear nothing unthusiast,

I appreciate your comments, however, I am expected to refute direct claims made regarding nothing. In this recent note you have given me (at most) very little to work with.

I must point out however, that it could also be said that nothing is constant because there will always be change. I personally don't like to use nothing in this thingesque way but it does have its occasional advantages.

Actually, we appreciated your wording, because you used a single sentence tying the "change" and "nothing" together, then used "but" to show that the one and nothing weren't necessarily two things that were related but could very likely be one thing and nothing with no further relationship beyond the sentence containing them. Very nice indeed!

May we uncourage you to continue to develop your appreciation for nothing specific.

--Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Archive: Where is nothing made?

On Nov 19, 2007, at 9:44 AM, Per-Niklas Longberg wrote:

Where do you manufacture nothing?

To which I replied:

Per-Niklas,

When we received your question we thought it was a very good question that required detailed lab work to determine the best answer. After more than 20 days in our lab, we were certain that the research team would have a great answer for us. We were somewhat disappointed at the results. The research clearly shows that your question was not a very good question after all.

Nothing is a naturally occurring limited infinite resource. What I mean by this is that we don't need to manufacture nothing because "it" "is" in ready "supply" due to the fact that "it" "is" limited to an infinite state of "being" due mostly to "it's" lack of properties, and partly due to the fact that nothing exists independently of anything. And we mean that in both ways.

So to get straight to the point, we manufacture nothing everywhere, because we don't. I hope this clears things (as they may or may not relate to nothing, which they don't) up.

--Xymyl (KON)

Fanmail: A conversation about nothing

On Oct 12, 2007, at 8:23 AM, Andrew Sullivan wrote:

Hello, XYMYL. I am completely shocked to have discovered a website related, in every way possible, to a theory that my friend and I developed in our Physics class out of sheer boredom, and have developing for the past month. I would like to hear back from you regarding nothing, and have an (if at all possible) discussion about nothing.

To which I replied:

Hi Andrew,

A conversation about nothing? There is nothing I would enjoy more. I have been very busy lately though, as busy as nothing you have ever seen. But I still make time for nothing, just as I always have.

I'm assuming that this theory of yours is actually the absence of a theory, or the theory that such a theory wouldn't exist. Am I close on that one? I would have a conversation regarding this impossibility or others. Of course, the less said, the better.

Thanks for your interest in nothing.

--Xymyl (KON)

To which On Oct 17, 2007, at 8:14 AM, Andrew Sullivan wrote:

Well, as far as our theory, it's not so much the object of laziness, but an object itself. Nothing is an element. Atomic number 0. It is nowhere on the periodic table of elements, of course, because nothing is not tangible. But nothing is. Nothing is everywhere. Everything is nowhere. If you think about it, nothing makes sense.

To which I replied:

Andrew,

I'm certainly happy to see that you've proved one of my theories false thru your response. My theory was, of course, that you can't learn nothing in school.

I have to say though, that assigning an atomic number to nothing (even if that number is zero, if that is what you propose) could generate even greater confusion. I'll give an example, not only is nothing not an atom, "it" "is" also not light, gravity, or a thing made up of atoms such as a refrigerator. Should we be expected to make a new listing within every category just to point out that there is nothing missing? Indeed, should every refrigerator manufacturer be required to create a ZERO model that doesn't exist? And what about Sub Zero? People might think the products they sell are inverted refrigerators. They may have to re-brand and could (in the process) lose their proverbial shirts, thus having zero shirts.

I think that the fact that nothing isn't in the periodic table or the "chart" as we like to call it, is one of the greatest scientific achievements of all time. Imagine a world where science was so accepting of nothing as a thing. Sucks right? In case you are not convinced, look at our modern dark age of communication. Nothing being categorized as a pronoun or even as a noun is commonplace, and yet, "it" "is" neither. This is the linguistic equivalent of what you propose with nothing being added to the chart.

Imagine a world where science ebbed and flowed with the whims of the masses, as does language. Now imagine nothing. One totally different thing and no thing at all, right?

True science will often use the testable to "scratch the surface" of the intangible, but it will never test the intangible. For example, a vacuum such as the void of space can be interacted with because there are properties to it. Although it may contain nothing in a general sense, it isn't nothing. True nothingness, would never be testable due to the total lack of properties, and the fact that a testing device would introduce something into what once wasn't. Of course, here at nothing.net, we embrace nothing in all "its" forms, but especially in the lack of form.

To conclude... Nothing as a placeholder is. Nothing infinite isn't. Nothing as a joke is. Nothing serious isn't. Nothing real "is" because "it" isn't.

Thank you for your continued interest in nothing scientific.

--Xymyl (KON)

To Which On Oct 24, 2007, at 8:13 AM, Andrew Sullivan wrote:

If a refrigerator company manufactured a refrigerator brand 'zero', it'd have to exist. But by creating a brand 'zero', the company has created a meaning for 'zero'. As false meaning. 'Zero' does not mean 'refrigerator'. 'Zero' means 'Nothing'. The absence of something. Nothing can define Zero. Nothing is indefinite. But, I suppose that outside the reaches of the result of the big bang, is Nothing in its purist form. The element Nothing I'm referring to. It is void of all that is and isn't tangible. The universal absence.

To which I replied:

Hello again Andrew,

Obviously, the brand 'zero' refrigerator would have to exist if it was manufactured. However, a zero model could exist without the corresponding refrigerator having been manufactured. A zero model that does not exist would be analogous to what you proposed regarding the element nothing. I said it wasn't such a hot idea. You seemed to think it was a great idea.

I appreciate that you point out that "zero" does not mean "refrigerator". I would like to add my corresponding claim that zero does not always equal nothing. I must also point out that nothing does not always mean the absence of something.

Zero is functional, zero is an integral part of a modern ten based numerical system. Zero is also highly useful as an intermediate point between positive and negative numbers. Zero can point to a lack or diminishment. And yes, as you rightly point out, zero can even mean nothing.

Although nothing CAN be used in functional in ways similar to zero, nothing is most widely used as no thing. This is not simply an absence of something, but nothing at all, making "it" independent of everything. Since you make a "big bang" reference, I'm assuming that you appreciate the idea of a time when everything was not in existence. I'd like to think that such a time existed, but sadly, a universe without anything would not be possible. And since nothing in the purest "form" would be featureless, "it" could never act or even react. This means that nothing would ever exist. So, clearly that dream could never be reality, and if it could, no one would be around to know.

So, although we may use the word nothing for all of its purposes, we always hold in highest regard, true nothing. Unbounded, unfettered, unfiltered, un-acted upon by anything, and unable to interact with anything. Incapable of propagating a universe or a grain of sand, or even a subatomic particle. I hope this helps you to see even more clearly why nothing amazes me.

Just as zero is the universal placeholder, nothing fills the void in our universe and beyond.

--Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Archive: Personalized nothing?

On Sat, 24 Apr 1999, Brienne DeJong wrote:

Stupid question, but my kinda adopted little sis wants to know... If I send you $5 and my friends adress, will you send her an empty box, or nothing at all? If it's an empty box, can I send a personal message with it?

Thanks, Brienne

To which I replied:

Actually,

We send nothing, then, several weeks later we send a plain envelope with a small instruction book enclosed.

It explains nothing.

--Xymyl

Fanmail Archive: Got nothing.

On Fri, 5 Mar 1999 BEIL99 wrote:

I'm really pissed. I order nothing and I got nothing in return. This is the last time I will order nothing from you!! I may even take this nothing order up with the consumer affairs divsion of my local internet provider,who has nothing to say about nothing. From now on I will look forward to getting nothing from you and you will get nothing from me!! , Thanks for nothing

Dear Cunsumer,

To order nothing may mean not to order, or it may mean to pay money and get nothing in return. Since we've never received an order from you I'd have to assume it's the former.

Your interest in our lack of product brings us great pleasure. We are glad that nothing is such an important part of your life as to motivate you write such a spirited letter to us. I do hope, however, you send *actual* money (in the form of a check or money order) towards the purchase of nothing (remember, you not only get nothing but you'll get our instruction book free with every purchase).

Before you order, let me remind you. You get what you pay for.

Thank you.

Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Archive: Email nothing?

On Tue, 23 Feb 1999 Ellimist45 wrote:

> can you send me back an e-mail with nothing in it? please, and thanks

To which I responded:

no

Fanmail Archive: Peoples Game Player?

On Tue, 2 Feb 1999, ho goht wrote:

hi, i'm not a prankster who doesn't have anything better to do than do anything, i'm just Mr nothing on a everything world ...by queer coincidence, i happened to click on your web link from webcrawler search cos i searched for nothing....so why am i saying all these..could it be for something,,,i guess not cos i just have this to say to you.....YOU MUST BE A GOOD PEOPLE 'S GAME PLAYER .......i said something but now it's ( ).

To which I responded:

I'm not sure what "A GOOD PEOPLE 'S GAME PLAYER" is but it seems too extreme for someone like me. I like to just sit back and do nothing.

Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Archive: Nothing Y2K Compliant?

On Thu, 21 Jan 1999, Don wrote:

Hi. I was impressed with nothing at your site. You have, by far, exceeded my expectations with respect to nothing and I felt compelled to comment on nothing at all.

I have been using nothing for years, and until recently, nothing was acceptable. But, I have a question; Is nothing Y2K compliant? Can I get a certified letter stating that nothing is Y2K? On Jan 1, 2000, will nothing function? I depend on nothing for almost everything. My wife thinks about nothing all day. My kids play with nothing, and I make my living getting better and better at nothing each day. (No I don't work for the government - I'm not that good at doing nothing).
I need more. Where can I get next to nothing?

To which I replied:

Don,

I'm glad you were impressed by nothing. Some may say that one who is impressed by nothing is easily impressed. If you know nothing like I do, you understand how difficult it can be to get all worked up over "it".

So, someone who is impressed by nothing is hardly impressed. (That is as opposed to easily (however not opposed as in opposite, just different.)

I'm glad to hear you and your family have been enjoying our products. (I use the term products in the sense far beyond the loosest possible sense, and by such statement mean lack thereof.) Nonetheless I enjoy hearing positive feedback about nothing (it's really difficult to come by these days).

Now on to your Y2K problem.

If you mean nothing at all...

I can not guarantee that nothing will work on (or after) January 1, 2000. In fact, it is my painful obligation to inform you that some things will be working that day. I could go into exhaustive detail... but... actually I don't have the time (so I can't).

If you mean nothing in general...

Yes, you have my guarantee that nothing will function on into eternity. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing will function perfectly, forever. Nothing will have nothing to do with the Y2K problems that will pop up shortly. In fact, on effected systems mission critical data may be lost, systems may fail, programs may halt or have fatal errors.

What does this mean? Nothing. No more errors, blue screens, lockups, shutdowns, disconnects, routeflaps, collisions, fragments, truncations... I could go on and on... but... actually...

Yes, January 1, 2000 is install nothing day! It's not a Y2K problem it's NO/OS extravaganza! A black hole blowout! I could go on and on...

If I only had the time.

Anyway, no, you can't get a certified letter nothing will work because it could be taken to mean that everything will stop.

All I'm saying is something will go wrong ... but never nothing.

Xymyl (KON)

P.S. I take exception to your statement about government workers being good at doing nothing. Yes, there are some government workers who seem to be doing nothing, but how did they get there? That's right, they had to walk to the bus.

Q&A Archive: Expensive Shirts?

On Mon, 18 Jan 1999, Killboy Powerhead wrote:

> why are your tshirts so fu**ing expensive?

To which I replied:

Because we waste so much time answering e-mail.

--Xymyl

Hatemail Archive: You can't do nothing...

On Tue, 5 Jan 1999, Jonathan Davis wrote:

i hate to be the one to tell you, but you can't do nothing without dying. if you truly want to do nothing don't breath,suffucate, eat, starve, sleep, stay awake, die, or live.

dumb ass.

To which I replied:

Johnny,

I hate to be the one to tell you this but...

You state, "you can't do nothing without dying" which is a double negative. That could mean either you can do anything without dying, you can do anything while alive, you must do something without dying, you must do something instead of dying, or you can do nothing with dying.

Let's examine these briefly:

1) you can do anything without dying

This statement is incorrect. I could jump off a tall building, tie dynamite to my head and ignite it, get hit by a bus etc...

2) you can do anything while alive

This is also a false statement. I can't go to the sun, or be completely eaten by maggots while alive (I could go on and on).

3) you must do something without dying

This is a lie. Whoever told you this should be shot while skiing. I've heard of people who died while flying or falling. In fact, it seems that you must be doing something if you are going to die.

4) you must do something instead of dying

This also is a total falsehood. I could choose to die, to live and die later on, or even to die while drinking my favorite wine.

5) you can do nothing with dying

This also is not entirely correct. Although you can do nothing while dying, you generally end up doing more than ever before. Many a mans last days are far busier than his earlier days. With trips to the hospital, calling 911, often speaking to the police, getting limbs amputated, I could go on and on... I think you get the idea.

I'm sure there are many more meanings for this sentence. You can be sure whatever they are, they will all prove you wrong (and probably stupid).

Xymyl (KON)

Hatemail Archive: Stupid!

On Wed, 5 Aug 1998 blueie@webtv.net wrote:

> YOU People are veary stupd

To which I quipped:

That may be but we can spell.

Q&A Archive: For real?

On Wed, 15 Jul 1998, RON & WILMA OLSON wrote:

> Are you really for REAL?

To which I replied:

No, not really. Wait I take that back... it only costs five dollars U.S.
to find out.

Q&A Archive: Good question!

On Sat, 11 Jul 1998, kathi ricci wrote:


To which I replied:

Good question.

The answer is as follows:

Q&A Archive: Ignored questions...

On Thu, 30 Apr 1998, robert spaulding wrote:

Dear Xymyl,
I wrote a check for nothing and felt less than nothing, and by this nothingly, and non-receiving 32 pages of nothing, I increase my nothingness beyond by expectations! noughly vacuumi, robert spaulding

PS are there any openings at your university? something in the sports program?

To which I seem to have somewhat incorrectly responded:

Robert,

If you write a check out for nothing, you will indeed recieve nothing but
also something (that is our 32 page instruction booklet which is
certainly not nothing). It is of course about nothing, that is to say on
the subject of nothing. Of course all this (and nothing) can be yours
only if you actually send us the check you wrote out for nothing.

Often people make the mistake of thinking that a booklet or tee-shirt is
nothing, obviously tee-shirts and instructions are something and not just
anything at all, but (and here's the point) they are tee-shirts and
instructions. There is no way to make 32 pages of nothing... it doesn't
even make sense. Once you have a page you have something.

Nothing is greater than all these things, because nothing exists only in
concept, and to people who think only in concept nothing is real!

"It's" beautiful.

Q&A Archive: The past and future of nothing?

On Tue, 28 Apr 1998, robert spaulding wrote:

i'm glad to see the universe has a redundancy of ideas as i was talking about a web site like this myself about 6 months ago, great to see that you have nothing up and runing. are you going to issue stock? deep space sub-division of nothing? franchise nothing? passports? cds? cassettes? empty promises? in nothingness, robert spaulding

To which I replied:

The web site is nothing in comparison to the nothing I have nurtured over
the years from not even a speck to even less. If you'd like to learn more
about less and less, or less and less about more (progressively) just buy
our 32 page booklet. If you don't get it then you don't know nothing.

P.S. nothing.net has been alive since 1995.

--Xymyl

Fanmail Archive: Nothing to say...

On Thu, 9 Apr 1998, Ethereal wrote:

hope nothing happens to ya!

To which I responded:

You're too late somebody just stole my car stereo and cd player.
Of course now I keep nothing in that spot.

--Xymyl

Fanmail Archive: Nothing to say...

On Mon, 23 Mar 1998, Peggy & Bob wrote:

I have absolutely nothing to say to you.

Peggy S Carlan RN

To which I mused:

I'm not surprised.

--Xymyl

Q&A Archive: What is it?

On Thu, 19 Feb 1998, Ted Brasky wrote:

hilarious...but what is it?

Hey...
what exactly are you selling? -- please don't say "nothing" because that's why I'm confused.... whatever it is -- be it a joke or an actual business --- it's hilarious!!!

To which I replied:

Thank you for your compliments,

"It" isn't.

I won't say "nothing" because what we're selling is actually nothing. No
cheap imitations, no gimmicks (well, maybe some gimmicks, but
we're not selling any of our gimmicks, we give them away free with each
order of nothing). And we have tee-shirts that say nothing on them which
is something. So, to answer your question, we sell something AND nothing.

Our blatant honesty in advertising seems to confuse some people but we're
sure that it'll catch on (or we don't know nothing, and I think we do).

We hope we'll make money off "it". The great thing is nothing's flexible
and we're sure nothing's going to work for us!

Thanks for your question and always remember, there's something for anyone but nothing's for everyone.

--Xymyl (the king of nothing)

Q&A Archive: What do I get?

On Thu, 12 Feb 1998, B. Shively wrote:

> Really, if I order nothing, what do I get? And what's in the
> instruction manual.

To which I apparently replied:

You get nothing. and detailed instructions on how "it" can be used to
enrich your (otherwise full and fulfilling) life.

Yes, nothing can be yours, but only if you act now!

Thanks for writing with your question!

Sincerely,

Xymyl (the king of nothing)

Fanmail: If you read it you'll see why I chose not to respond

On Nov 20, 2007, at 5:02 PM, Travis Kirkwood wrote:

I don't quite get "it". If you truly "believe" in the concept of nothing, or understand "it", then it should be entirely impossible to discuss "it". There is no need to discuss something that is naught, in fact quite ridiculous since I'm sure we all know much about "it" for as you tell us it is basically everywhere at all times. Even in the case where someone is low enough to discuss nothing, (being truly loyal to the concept) all that there is that they are capable of saying to prove so ofcouse is nothing. Incase you are wondering I am not contradicting myself by discussing nothing, I am just pointing out the absurdity in doing so. Nevertheless, when talking about nothing the subject is naught which leaves plenty of time and space to discuss absolutely everything since it fits all-so nicely into the vasteness of nothing. Well... looks like everybody's wrong.

By the way, neglecting what i have said, you have truly made something out of nothing and gotten people involved. That's pretty sweet. And don't say that you have not made something. Otherwise to all this talk of nothing our minds would be void. Thanks for being interesting.

Fanmail: A few that never got replies...

As you know, I can't reply to everybody who sends an e-mail, but sometimes I like to post a few without replies, just to let everyone know that I care... about nothing. Unjoy!

Wayne said: i have believed in NOTHING since forever its just SOMETHING very dear to me

Adam said: Do you guys have anything, or nothing, to do with this? Check out the link, in actuality, it's a link to nothing, and that's what you'll see for sale there.

Thanks, Adam

Jeff said: Really don’t have nothing to say.

Freddy said: i dont get it :(

Then later he said: i get it hahahahah its freeking hilarious

Still later he said: i love this site seriously and you deserve a hug

gracias ☻

Dave said: nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing,nothing

Maria said: hello.

Fanmail: Nothing hurt my stomach

On Sep 18, 2007, at 12:44 PM, Gina Turano wrote:

you are hilarious and might even consider putting you on my top 10 hero's list.
my stomach hurts just reading your site. too much..hilarious!!!!
Sincerely, Nothing

To which I responded:

Hi Gina,

I think you are somehow misunderstanding us. We take nothing very seriously!

Following much discussion, we have come to the conclusion that you are reading something into what we are barely saying. Clearly, we are saying something, but this is only a means to no end, to get to the point, which isn't. We know that at times there can be confusion as to what we are trying to say when the real fact of the matter is that we are just trying to say nothing, but we choose to take the long way around. We firmly believe that if the journey is its own reward, then the journey that ends in nothing must be at least twice that. Well, we don't FIRMLY believe that, however we do something forcefully vague about, towards or in reference to it. But we do believe in nothing, and that's something. That is to say belief is something, obviously you already know that nothing isn't something. I could go on and on, but I think you get the point.

I, personally, am very excited about the possibility of being included in your heros list, mostly due to the fact that I have never heard of it. Being included in something so vague and unreferenced as the "Gina Turano Heros List" could be one of my greatest achievements, provided you were willing to make a couple of changes. First off, the number "one" kinda makes me itch. Any chance that you could make a top zero list and put me in a footnote as a former honorary runner up for possible membership consideration? That's more my style (or lack thereof). Also, would you mind not typing so loud? Modern keyboards almost type by themselves, and if there is one thing that we are not about here at nothing.net, it's something, and typing loudly is a thing.

Thank you for your kind words, but thank you even more for your interest in nothing. Without people such as yourself - who truly appreciate nothing - everything would seem a little more interesting, and nobody wants that.

P.S. Sorry about the stomach pain, although we take no responsibility for it, we are deeply (possibly to the point of inversion) disappointed that anything at all happened to you while reading our site.

--Xymyl

Fanmail: Nothing for nothing

On Sep 17, 2007, at 12:50 PM, Larry wrote:

So what you’r saying is if I send you nothing I will still get nothing. Kewl!

I responded thusly:

Hi Larry,

I was shocked to receive your letter. We are not used to being spoken to in this way, even by our (nearly) dear nothing unthusiast core group. But what you say is true, in a sense. So I must address this topic in a way that is not only truthful, heartfelt and sincere, but in a way that is at the same time vague, meaningless and (most importantly) still makes it seem reasonable for people buy nothing from us.

First of all, we never said that you can get nothing without spending money. If you want nothing, you will be expected to pay for "it". If you find that you already have nothing lying around and would like to use "it", then you are probably just noticing our "overflow stock" or "underflow stock" or rather " ", as we prefer to call it. Since the entire universe is within our (redundant overlapping) warehouses, and nothing "is" almost everywhere (although not always in the purest form) your home may be used as one of our storage areas. Be careful, it is commonly found that when nothing is stored in this manner, "it" is highly polluted with anything from dust bunnies to aromatic essences. Although this "nothing" may have nothing in it, there's certainly something more to it. We pride ourselves on not trying to get you the finest quality nothing available, mostly because nothing isn't available in the same sense that any thing would be. Certainly nothing is available from us, but not in the same way a tee-shirt might be. For example, we sell tee-shirts, but we haven't been making tee-shirts lately. So there is a demand, but not really much of a supply. In the case of nothing, there is both an infinite supply and a modest demand, on the other hand, there is no supply at all and a modest demand. The laws of supply and demand indicate that on the one count nothing should be very inexpensive because "it" doesn't do anything, and there is very little demand for "it". On the other count, there is a modest demand and no supply at all, so it should be nearly infinitely expensive. The problem with a product that is infinitely expensive is that it is very difficult to close the sale on it. Now imagine there wasn't even a product. That's the dilemma that confronted our marketeers when they sat down with us at the very large, yet seemingly infinitely small table that we all sit around to talk about nothing. As a side note, you should really see this table, it is like something (or almost nothing) that would be dreamt up by the right halves M.C. Escher's and Salvador Dali's brains if they could somehow have been functionally fused together.

Anyway, you are probably wondering what the outcome of that discussion was. The two prong answer was simple:

#1 "Do Nothing". Live the product. Be the product. Promote the product in everything you do. Since all of these ideas were impossible, we chose to use the concept as a general jumping off point. We really did nothing. Well, not really, but in the sense of not promoting nothing and doing as little as possible, we sorta did nothing.

#2 Nothing costs $5. It was that simple. What is a high enough price that people who think there is an infinite supply of nothing are almost guaranteed not to buy "it"? What is a low enough price that the people who think nothing is anything will believe the price is too good to be true? Well, as you already know, the answer is "Five Bucks".

It turned out to be a huge success, and an almost insignificant failure! Countless millions of viewers later, we still haven't been promoting ourselves or our products (or lack thereof). Sure, we waste our valuable time. But sales are scarce to the point that many think our sole purpose is to spread good will, which makes little sense to me, but I can't argue with the market. Well, actually I can and will argue with the market...

What was the point I was trying to make? Oh, that's right, nothing. Please, buy nothing. If you don't buy "it" you may have it, but you'll never get "it". Or do you need some kind of multi-million dollar ad campaign to convince you that you need to pay for nothing?

Thank you for your interest in nothing. Peace off!

Top level communication: Quest detours

On Aug 11, 2007, at 8:09 AM, jon dieks wrote:

oh nothing . net how do i thank you it has been many ,many month's since our last e-mail. i wanted to thank you for your encourgement in my quest for nothingness, and as in our last corispodance you told me my journey to nothing has begun. i wondered what you meant about taking nothing seriously and ponderd enormously about it , and then all these signs started pointing my in directions, leading me nowhere, and then i found it! my golden apple, and am now a proud poee of discordia! and now all things make sense and nothing makes sense. in a way nothing did before. so i just wanted to thank you (actually the goddess eris commanded it of me) and as a acting poee of discordianism a declare you



























!! (and remember "to eris human"

To which I replied:

Hi Jon,

Thank you for your further comments on a topic that means nothing more to me than it does to you. As for my words of uncouragement, I need clarify my statement before I go any further. I am pretty sure that what I said was, "Your infinite journey has begun." I admire your eagerness, but I have to express that in my arrogant opinion, a few months is a very short turnaround on an infinite journey. In fact, it seems that your journey has ended (give or take) about an eternity too soon.

I already know what you're thinking, so I'll just say it, "Infinity loops back on itself, ergo any exit point on my journey could be considered as the end of an infinite cycle." First, I must applaud you for thinking of such a brilliant wrong argument. If time were circular, that argument would have some merit. With so much talk about space-time we may sometimes forget that time has no spacial properties. Time is something that is measured by its arrival and/or passing. Or to look at it another way, the function a clock performs is keeping track of time. If a clock stops, we do not conclude that time has stopped, or that our work on this planet is done. We simply replace the clock.

I submit that you have been following broken signs leading you to a big bad apple. I think that you simply started in the wrong figurative direction, by pondering enormously about it. (By your use of the word "it" I'm assuming you mean the infinite journey.) You may have done better by thinking about it "at length". Although at first glance, "at length" may seem to be attributing spacial qualities to time, it is merely a way of expressing that one has taken his course through time dealing with or pondering on the matter at hand. Even if we were to view time as a chart we would see a linear progression in this case rather than a circle or a lazy 8.

You also call yourself a POEE of the goddess Eris. By POEE, I can only assume that you mean Powertrain Operations & Engine Engineer. What I'm wondering is what sort of operation is Eris running over there? I knew that the American Auto industry was in the proverbial poo bucket, but now this is all beginning to make sense. Personally, I wouldn't put someone with her track record at the helm of a sinking ship.

I have a tip for you, don't listen to commands from an apple tossin' banshee. It tends to cause trouble, and as we all know, trouble isn't nothing.

I wish you well on your CONTINUING journey. As for your e-mail, great use of negative space and a wickedly bad pun, really, really bad. Freud has been referenced many times as saying that the pun is the lowest form of wit. But Freud would have said anything to get a peek inside the pants of your mind. If indeed Freud did say this, he could have at least delivered it as a pun. Low is almost nothing.

Thank you for your continued interest in nothing.

--Xymyl

Comments: Nothing is wrong with nothing

On Aug 10, 2007, at 3:14 PM, BF wrote:

Hello Xymyl:
I have been enjoying very little about your blog. I hesitate to say "nothing" about it, but there is something about your nothingness you may have overlooked. That "is" this: Nothingness has "it's" flaws. "It's" flaws are an unnecessary apostrophe at the least. "Its" is a word which is possessive without adding an apostrophe. So the unneeded punctuation adds something to an otherwise quite clean and featureless nothingness. Please ignore any typos of my own, as they must be construed as nothing of importance. Have a day!
Your whatever,
B. French

To which I responded:

Hi BF,

Glad to see that you are unjoying the blog. Thank you too for your con-structive comments. However, I take exception to the idea that there is anything to my nothingness.

Actually, I can't remember the original reason that I started doing that (by "that", I mean "it's"). Although it probably had something to do with the fact that pure nothing, the REAL nothing, the "best" nothing, isn't. Thus, when referring to nothing "it" isn't a pronoun (which is also why it's in quotes). I believe that the original thought was along the lines that "it" was going to be separated from its "s" by an apostrophe as a way of further defining that the possessive form was merely a literary tool and not in any way an indication that "it" was anything.

Since I have noticed over the years that this device has not necessarily cleared up the issue, I have often thought of changing my "it's"'s. But a coping device I can use is to pretend that having the point obscured means that nothing (nothing being the general comprehension of nothing as a concept) makes sense, thus everything (everything being the literal devices required to explain nothing) makes sense. Any intelligent person can see that this is a feeble way of reasoning, but it seems to be working anyway. Besides, I can't go back to 1995 and edit those old e-mails up to the present day. So, I have mostly chosen to stick with it. It, of course, being my use of "it's"'s.

None of us should take this here mutt language of English too seriously. We should embrace its flaws and capitalize on them, of course. But we should also feel free to make up new words as needed, and change spellings to fit road signs rather than changing the sign width or font size. Put some florp in your snazzle, because your lingo won't have any flavor if it ain't got juice. People may come here for the grammar, but they stay for no good reason.

Thanks for your general disinterest in nothing. Please keep up the good work.

--Xymyl (KON)

Comments: Nothing inspirational

Okay, I don't usually post my replies to blank e-mails. So by posting this, I am not suggesting that I will start posting responses to all the blank e-mails I receive. This particular e-mail had a subtle confidence to it that unspired me. Obviously, anyone else who sends similar blank e-mails will be acknowledged as well. So without further ado, the letter and my response...

On Aug 5, 2007, at 7:12 AM, allan godshall wrote:

To which I replied:

Thanks for the uncouragement. Your e-mail said "it" all. Just the boost I needed to keep doing nothing all the live-long day. Sometimes nothing seems a vain pursuit, or even a poorly thought out business, but then someone like you comes along and put's everything into perspective. Or do I mean out of perspective? Doesn't really matter. The fact is that you've given me a renewed sense of lack of purpose. I'm going to get back off that horse and try and find a blank space to lie in and just... dwell on the past.

Thanks. I can tell that you really know nothing, and that is a gift to treasure (treasure meaning to put aside or lock away).

--Xymyl (KON)

Fanmail: Nothing for emphasis

On Aug 4, 2007, at 5:51 PM, Caroline and Annalee wrote:

nothing nothing nothing
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nothing nothing nothing
nothing nothing nothing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

To which I responded:

Thanks for the great work!

And you know what 324 times nothing is right? That's right, it's nothing. You almost made something out of it with the triumphant addition of 39 exclamation marks. But you packaged it up neatly with a question mark to save the day. You are to be commended for your poignant use of repetition and punctuation to emphasize nothing. Of course I had to take the time to count them all. It's the least I could do for someone who was willing to do all this for nothing. You score extra points for for your excellent time sponging skills. Keep "it" up.

Q&A Should nothing concern me?

On Jul 22, 2007, at 6:56 PM, No one wrote:

To whom it may not concern,

None of this isn't making sense. Should I be concerned ?

Thanks for "Nothing" , No one.

To which I replied:

Dear No one,

You present a very good and bad question. The answer is clearly, yes and no. Yes, you should be concerned, because nothing should be clear. Apparently nothing isn't clear to you because (to reword your statement), "every little bit of this is making sense". The operative word here is "this". "This" is not nothing. "This" is something. Notwithstanding, "this" is still nothing to be concerned about. So, no, you shouldn't be concerned. Unless you were referring to nothing when you said "this", in which case you should be very concerned. If, however, you were simply referring to nothing as a general concept and thus indicating the existence of that concept when you said "this", don't worry. "This" (in that context) is barely anything. And certainly nothing to worry about. Of course, I don't expect that you will be so pedantic as to worry about "that" (my most recent use of the word nothing) just because of that last sentence.

Thank you for your interest in nothing and your desire to learn whether or not you should be concerned about nothing. I hope this helps.

A Nothing Wholesaler?

On Jul 5, 2007, at 2:50 PM, Kurt G. wrote:

I know how tiring it is to collect all that Nothing which is why I may be of assistance. I am a Nothing aficionado and an avid collector. I get my Nothing from many different settings to observe if the some-thing that was tainting it at the source has an influence on the Nothing after it is removed. My favorite collecting grounds are deep in caves and desolate mountain peaks. It seems to me that the greater lengths (or depths) you go to locate a specific specimen makes it more pure and noteworthy. Holes located underneath rocks is one of my favorite wellsprings for Nothing. Distilling Nothing from a something is of course more difficult and involved but the rewards are much sweeter and vapid. So if you need help in lifting the burden of obtaining all that Nothing, I'm your man. With over 10 years in the pursuit of Nothing, adept at successful capturing and cataloguing of Nothing as well as the distillation of its essence, I can guarantee that the Nothing you provide to your customers will be of the purest grade possible. You of all people realize that the saying "Nothing is free" is a lie and will understand my need for direct compensation. One fifth of your retail price per shipment could possibly cover my expenses. Good news for you is that my methods of Nothing containment allow for expansion when you repackage (in a sterile environment I hope!) so that one shipment from me could supply several of your retail packages. Intrigued and available,

Kurt Gindling

To which I replied:

Kurt,

We appreciate your offer to collect nothing for us, but we regret to inform you that you have actually been relocating catalogued nothing within our warehouses. We must insist that you return nothing to where "it" was (or was not) found. We have had to delay shipment to many nothing unthusiasts who have had nothing on "lay away" in or near caves, under seashells and in other hard to reach locations such as holes beneath rocks and the collective consciousness of the public. You have made it very difficult, and sometimes impossible to locate nothing to send to our patrons. I know, we make nothing look easy, but sometimes nothing isn't as easy as "it" seems. Especially when well-meaning folks such as yourself are just making nothing more difficult for us.

We appreciate that you love nothing enough to travel to the ends of the earth in search of the most vacuous nothing imaginable, but we have nothing catalogued by inversion, pun, hyperbole, general figure of speech, compound pun, thought experiment, and many other concepts. But most and least of all, we have pure nothing 100% fat free with barely any gimmicks actually being used in "it's" purveyance.

Your packaging methods seem a bit suspect. I hope you haven't been ruining nothing by packaging "it" compressed. We generally ship nothing near a package rather than in one. Part of the reason for this is that it is almost impossible to get everything out of the package, some people are likely to complain if there is dust or hair in the shipment. "Hair in nothing? That's a dust bunny." some have said, we don't want to repeat that fiasco. In case you may be familiar with this incident, the parties involved have been sacked.

I am however, quite interested in your "essence of nothing" idea. What do you actually put in "it" to give "it" an essence? I am fascinated, please inform.

Thank you for your "no can do" attitude. We may need your assistance in helping us track down a very volatile order of nothing puns that really are not funny yet are quite beloved. If you see them, there should be a box next to them containing a lead lined vacuum flask, a roll of yttrium-barium-copper oxide tape, a pressurized tank of liquid nitrogen, oven mitts, a hydrogen powered rocket and directions to the "event horizon" of the nearest black hole. There may also be a device resembling a standard aviation gyroscope, please don't touch that. If you see these items, please contact us and we'll negotiate safe transfer. Be warned, the puns will severely damage your credibility if used improperly, that is to say, if they are uttered.

Thanks again, please continue your search for nothing, but let us know the next time you change nothing around.

--Xymyl

Fanmail: Not quite new to nothing...

On Jul 9, 2007, at 11:12 PM, Bryan L. wrote:

I can now say I've been at nothing for a while. In my case this would probably mean more than just a while, though, when you consider the nothing that came before this website.

Great site! I can honestly think of nothing else to say. =:)

Bryan L.

To which I replied:

Bryan,

I'm not sure what you mean by most of what you said in your e-mail. However, I do hope you meant nothing by it. You truly seem to appreciate nothing. But some who act like they love nothing are really hiding something. I don't think this is the case with you, but just to be sure, I'd like to find out nothing else you have to say. I only ask this because you did say "else". So you can understand why I need to be sure.

You started out saying something - kind words about nothing and the nothing.net website. This is forgivable. Indeed, we need to forgive ourselves every day as part our daily generalized therapeutic negation. Not that we live monastic lives of self denial, but we strive for the nullific existence of nonacceptance. This, of course can not only be achieved, but it can also not quite be achieved. But the unreachable goal we often seek is "it's" own reward.

As I drink unfiltered air from a brick, I am reminded that this - like many things - is unlikely, but nothing really is possible.

Thank you for your pure, true and hopeful interest in nothing.

I've got nothing...

Even though I haven't been talking about nothing as much as I usually do, the people are still speaking. Here are a couple of comments regarding nothing.net. I'm not sure if the second one was meant to mean something or not. I chose to believe that it has no meaning.


On Jul 6, 2007, at 6:24 PM, No body wrote:

After reading this site, I absolutely understood nothing!


On Jul 6, 2007, at 8:30 AM, mark cryer wrote:

since nowhere means not any ware and everything must exist somewhere then surely only nothing can exist in the middle of no ware!

Sorry about something...

I'd like to thank everyone for their nothing centric e-mails. I haven’t had a chance to reply or post for a little while. I am even more ashamed to say that something was keeping me from doing anything about nothing with this blog. I am further distressed about what I am preparing to say. I might be an artist. I’ve been hiding these tendencies for many years, and now I think it is time I showed the world what my secret life has been like.

Xymyl Gallery

We can still do nothing together, “it” will just seem a little different for a while.

Q&A What about hand written order forms?

On Jun 19, 2007, at 11:36 PM, Jay wrote:

HI! I'd like a T that says nothing, and nothing says nothing like black. Black is NOTHING ,while white implies light, wich is SOMETHING. I can't find a black shirt on Amazon. Should I use your order form? I don't have a printer ( printer = nothing ). Can I send you a reasonable hand-drawn order-form for a black T with "nothing" on it? I mean "nothing" on the T, NOT THE ORDER FORM! lol. I've worked for an architect for ten years, and my lettering is quite good, so you wouldn't have to worry about sloppy writing. I've got $20 burning a hole in my pocket ( or maybe in my cyberspace account, and who knows where it goes if it burns through that? ;)

So, what do you think? Can I send you a hand written order-form, or do you only accept printed forms?

There is nothing to thank you for, so thanks for NOTHING!
In Nothing-ness; Jay

To which I replied:

Hi Jay,

Yes, you may hand draw the form. And we would never worry about sloppy writing! In fact, you get extra points for a sloppier form that will waste our time. But it still needs to be decipherable. Write an essay if you wish, and cleverly embed your request into the handmade document, so that the entire note must be read to be understood. We might even throw in nothing extra to show our appreciation. Of course, most people seem to assume this anyway. There's really no way to know. The ambiguous nature of our rewards system is the key to you not knowing whether you're a satisfied customer or not. And nothing gives us greater satisfaction than being able to assume our customers are satisfied. But when you buy something (like shirts) from us, you're not only supporting nothing, you're getting something about nothing in return.

All of our outstanding nothing unthusiasts have some sort of memorial constructed in their honor and placed beneath our conference table, or near a nuclear facility, or a lead box or another appropriate location. These are often found quickly and destroyed by the cleaners, but some have lasted for several months. The cleaners will be sacked if monument bunnies start to form. Do they think we are paying them for nothing?!?! Sorry, I just got a little carried away there. We pay them to leave nothing behind.

As for your comment about money burning a hole in your pocket, I'm not one to take things too literally, and your description seems to support the metaphorical nature of your statement. Indeed, the fact that you could type your request and include such details, speaks to the symbolism of your remarks. However, even a metaphorical hole in one's figurative pocket, or the "pocket" one's cyberspace account, carries great meaning to all who know nothing. This is because holes can suggest a sort of gateway to nothing. And nothing is more beautiful than viewing nothing through a hole in the fabric of reality.

Thank you, Jay, for your interest in nothing (and a shirt).

--Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Why are we asking about nothing?

On Jun 13, 2007, at 2:53 AM, Aryeh Lewis wrote:

Alright, now here's a question!! If nothing is a "no-brainer" as you mentioned earlier....... then why the hell are we all turning to YOU for the answers to nothing!

FYI "no reason" will not be tolerated as an answer, because then you would have to explain why you fooled us with this great web site. And if the answer to that is still no reason, then I am forced to return to my original opinion, which was that you really ought to be sued!!!! :O

To which I responded:

I believe you are referring to when I said, "Whether or not you know anything, knowing nothing should be a "no brainer"."

You seem to have ignored the "should be" in this sentence. I stand by that statement. What is more, to many people knowing nothing is a "no brainer". Knowing that you (yes you) must have some knowledge, I would assume that knowing why you (yes you as an individual) ask questions regarding nothing would be a "no brainer", in the sense that you would have an easy time figuring out why you are asking me questions about nothing.

So I must put it to you, since "no reason" will not be tolerated as an answer and you are the only one who can know why you ask me questions about nothing, the burden of presentation lies squarely in your court. Why do you ask me questions about nothing?

I hope you can think of a good answer, because it seems to me that you will commence legal proceedings toot sweet, if the answer is unsatisfactory.

I would like to give you some advice homonymous (or even more precisely, homophonic) with your own stated fear of my response. If you would like to understand why you seek my advice, I urge you to know reason.

Perhaps, you know exactly why you keep asking questions about nothing. In fact, you said in a recent e-mail, "Your whole email truly helped me with nothing! I thank you! :)" If you were simply looking for help with nothing, that certainly seems like no reason to me.

--Xymyl (KON)

Information Desk: Confused about nothing?

Many people thank me for nothing, in the sense that they appreciate that I have taught them nothing, in the sense that they understand proper usage of the word “nothing” so they can properly express nothing to others.

Nothing they wish to express may be an absolute, relative, or amorphous quality of something, or it may truly be nothing. It is often better if it is a new way of twisting the word nothing with the meanings of that word or the lack of meaning that has been tagged with that word. Better still is when the humor and logic of the statement is only implied, so that to the uninitiated it appears meaningless, when in reality the message is nothing short of pure infotainment to those in the know.

I am both pleased and disturbed by fans who believe that I invented nothing. Yes, I am the King Of Nothing. Even this descriptor is nothing made up by me, but I use it because it is true. Yes, I’ll say it again, the word “nothing” was not created by me but I use it to communicate nothing to the world. Even though this word has vast imperfections - chief amongst them being that it is something, a word - it is still the best darn word to use to let people know what you are referring to isn’t something.

Nothing (the word) has a very redeeming (or negating, depending on your conversational thrust) quality. That is its inherent humor. Nothing is ever good for a laugh, in the sense that the word nothing is always good for a laugh.

I have always had a way with nothing, even no way, anyway, I always have known nothing. Even while learning things (and stuff) I never lost sight of the void of my desires. In civics class my job aptitude test came out to a wash. I was not interested in anything. The teacher thought I was just randomly answering, but I did it exactly as he said. He was mad, but that’s because he didn’t know nothing.

I have heard or used every play on the word nothing, I have used some of them way too many times, but there is a certain negation achieved by repetition that both/neither enhances and/nor detracts from nothing.

Being in the game for the long haul, one needs to be adaptable and willing to make sacrifices. If everyone who knows nothing suddenly decided never to repeat themselves, there would be nothing to say. The delight all nothing unthusiasts would enjoy would be short lived, for the negation achieved would bear scrutiny, and thus conversation. This conversation may or may not be about nothing in the sense that it is or isn’t about anything important or unimportant or in the sense that it isn’t or is about something at all, but it would hardly compare to the relative nothingness that once was a conversation and now has become a parody of that conversation.

We enjoy all of the ways nothing can be expressed in these excitingly relativistic ways. Yet, we know that nothing real really isn’t anything at all. That’s what make’s “it” all the more or less special. “It” isn’t, and we admire nothing about that.

Q&A Are you missing nothing?

On May 29, 2007, at 4:26 PM, adam watson wrote:

Have you guys had nothing go missing from the warehouses? The reason I ask is because I bought a container at the new IKEA here in Draper, Utah, and when I got home and opened it up, I was surprised to find nothing in it. It said nothing on the packaging about the container having nothing in it, so I think it may have been a mistake. I know you had to recently expand your warehouses to store the infinite supply of nothing, are you keeping nothing at an IKEA warehouse too?
I wanted to keep nothing that I found in the container, but I had to use the container to store things in, so there wasn't room for nothing anymore. The nothing I found is probably in the living room somewhere, once you remove nothing from the container, it's hard to keep track of. If you need me to send you nothing since I didn' t actually pay for it, just let me know, it'll help if you could describe nothing so I'll know that you did really lose nothing.
Thanks
A.W.

To which I responded:

Another good question. Since we have redundant overlapping warehouses encompassing the entire universe, then we by default get a little bit of everything in them as well. Actually, our warehouses contain everything, but we try to downplay that because when you think about the vastness of the wide open space in the universe, everything is like a pile of dust somebody forgot to sweep up.

But, unfortunately, IKEA is part of "everything" so, yes, it is in one or more of our warehouses.

Don't be surprised that somebody shoved nothing in your container because we keep nothing anywhere. In fact, nothing is in atoms, in between molecules, pretty much anywhere you can't put anything, you'll find nothing.

As for your offer to send us nothing back, you can keep "it", they obviously don't know how to handle their inventory at IKEA. Stick it to the man!

Q&A Your first "encounter" with nothing?

On May 29, 2007, at 4:17 PM, adam watson wrote:

Quick question,
In an earlier blog, you spoke of a reoccurring dream that you had as a child in the which you found yourself in a brown mesh tube (I'm paraphrasing) and you reached out and found nothing. Was this your first encounter with nothing, or had you found nothing before either in consciousness or unconsciousness?

Thanks,
Amateur Psychiatrist
A.W.

To which I replied:

Very good question. In unconsciousness and non-existence I found nothing for all eternity prior to my conception (which I don't like to think about). My first encounter with nothing in conscious memory was (when I regained consciousness) following an extended period of staring in the direction of the wall and seeing only the purest brightest white. It wasn't white, but that is the only way to describe it as anything. It didn't take long to realize that the best way to describe "it" was not to describe "it" as anything at all, because there was really no vision, thought or reality in my comprehension until the moment had passed.

I still don't know how it happened, and I never tried to re-create the circumstances that brought my thoughts to nothing that day. As for infinity and nothing, they are opposite sides of neither a coin nor the space that coin may have once occupied. And being that I always thought of life in infinite terms until that day (being frustrated by my eternal non-existence prior to the chance meeting of two gametes which heralded my emergence as a viable entity on the world scene), this knowledge of nothing new made the comprehension of my eternal nothingness prior to my eternal existence (in some form) with an as-yet undefined term of intellect punctuating my two eternities somehow more tolerable.

--Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Can you really know nothing and something?

On May 28, 2007, at 10:37 PM, Aryeh Lewis wrote:

My dear sir, I am as confused as a pig with no mud to roll in... as a cat with no litter... I am....... well I'm just confused.

I just don't understand how "it" is possible .... I mean.... you can't know nothing... and a whole lot of "general concepts" at the same time can you?? : l

To which I replied:

Now I feel like an inversely starving nothing burger patron who was just asked, "would you like something to go with that?"

I find myself wishing that you had said you were as confused as someone with nothing. But you didn't say that at all. Because that wouldn't be confusing at all. And yet you believe that knowing nothing and being reasonably well informed are mutually exclusive. I know nothing, not in the sense that I don't know anything, but in the sense that I comprehend the reality of non-existence, the ultimate void, the theoretical lack of contents in the hypothetical vacuum flask inside a lead box stationed between two black holes. Whether or not you get it, you should get "it". It's easy because "it" isn't. Whether or not you know anything, knowing nothing should be a "no brainer".

So, yes, to know anything, you should probably also know nothing. You may start by knowing nothing in the sense that you don't know anything. After learning all you possibly can, you might pause to consider the fact that nothing exists independently of anything in the sense that "it" doesn't. Your understanding of this concept (the reality of nothing) is something. If comprehending nothing is something then it is clearly not a contradiction to know nothing and things. This, of course, does not make nothing a thing, just the understanding or conceptualizing of nothing would be considered a thing.

I know that I didn't need to write such a wordy reply to explain this point, but I get the impression that with you "more is less". Here's to hoping something I wrote in this letter will help you with nothing.

--Xymyl (KON)

Fanmail: nothing is better than porn

On May 20, 2007, at 1:42 AM, adam watson wrote:

Hello, I was doing nothing tonight on the Internet and to avoid the temptation to look up naughty stuff, I decided to Google nothing instead. I was very pleased with what I found, which was nothing. I was pleasantly surprised. Many people have told me "Nothing is more important than a college education" so I don't put as much effort into my school as I put into doing nothing. I'm bilingual so I can also do nada, which helps out when there's nothing else to do. Nothing is too difficult for really determined people who try as hard as they can, but for me it nothing is simple. If you break it down, in essence it's just "not" and "hing" and since nobody know what "hing" is and nothing is simply the lack of "hing" then nothing could be more clear. I must say thanks, thanks for nothing, if I happen to get some money maybe I'll order nothing from you guys. Nothing would make me happier, at least I think nothing would.

a.w.

P.S. I know you guys are truly dedicated to nothing, but I was wondering if you had tried anything? Just curious. Thanks.

To which I responded:

Adam,

Thank you for using nothing in a positive way. Using nothing to avoid internet naughtiness and outmoded educational constructs is highly commendable. We certainly agree with your stand. I think that more young people should stand up and proudly say that nothing is far better than dirty pictures on the internet.

As for the schooling, if they are really teaching you nothing, it can't be all bad.

I like your explanation of nothing, not because it is makes sense, but because it takes the "thing" out of nothing.

You asked whether we have ever tried anything. No, we have not tried anything in the sense that we have not just randomly tried ANYthing. We have tried things and usually have done quite well. We certainly are not anti-thing, but I know sometimes our pro-nothing stance pumps us up to the point that we speak out against things. Of course, some things suck. These things are terrible and nothing is always better than anything like that.

We have at times had associates who tried a little bit of everything. We disagreed with this carefree lifestyle because it left little time for nothing, plus, these people were mostly disease rich and hygiene poor. Needless to say, we often found ourselves saying phrases such as, "what IS that thing?" or "could you do something about that smell?" or another phrase that indicated that some thing needed to be done to protect us. And we're not about always having to take everything into our own hands.

I think you are on the right track. You seem to have a very balanced view toward everything. Most importantly, you have your priorities in the right order, with nothing fighting for the top ten places.

--Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Possible for nothing to embrace other concepts?

On May 17, 2007, at 4:38 AM, Nicholas wrote:

Would you consider expanding nothing into not here? That way nothing could be considered no where and make nothing a bit more elusive for the non-initiated seeker of nothing knowledge. Not to mention the economic boom such an expansion could bring.

If you should adopt my very detailed nowhere plan I would have to charge my normal consultation fee based upon a sliding scale of zero increments. I expect that the cost for this endeavor should fall between zero and nothing dollars.

Yours truly,
Nicholas Parrella

To which I responded:

Nicholas,

Thanks for the suggestion, and we appreciate your desire to obscure nothing from the comprehension of the general public but we are all about education. We WANT people to know nothing, we don't want to confuse them. Okay, we want to confuse some of them, but we certainly don't want to confuse all of them or ourselves. This idea of yours is so confusing that if we tried to somehow incorporate it with nothing as part of our campaign, it may negate the quality of nothing in the sense that it may assign a value to nothing thus making it seem to be the opposite of something in a very literal way, thus making education about nothing pretty much pointless.

I fail to see how this idea of yours, while intriguing, could have a positive economic impact.

So, I regret to inform you that we will not be incorporating your nothing/not here fusion scheme. We will, however, respect your fee scale as we understand(?) it and pay you zero dollars for your time. Expect a check.

Please keep up your interest in nothing, and try not to thwart the others who want to know nothing too.

--Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Confused yet?

On May 25, 2007, at 4:21 AM, Dead Psycho wrote:

for nothing to really exist you need something, else there would be nothing to call nothing. so if in the absence of something you have nothing then you must really have something to call nothing.

confused yet?

let me continue just to clarify.

say i had something (i don't know what because i haven't thought of that yet, nothing came to mind). and i lost it. would i really have nothing instead. or would i have the absence of something which is actually something itself which you could call nothing, but as nothing is actually something nothing really exists.
have fun.

all the best
Dead psycho

To which I replied:

Hi Dead Psycho, thanks for your comments.

I made a valiant attempt to be confused by your assertion that nothing requires something in order to exist. Unfortunately I was unable to find any way to become confused by your platform for debate, leaving me no choice but to totally own you. Of course the ownership of which I speak is merely metaphorical and will hopefully not have any bearing on aspects of your life beyond the scope of this rebuttal.

First of all, you tear down your entire argument in your initial statement which says, "for nothing to really exist you need something, else there would be nothing to call nothing."

As for the existence of nothing, we have held firmly to the fact that nothing exists in the sense that "it" doesn't. Yes, there are many other uses of the *word* nothing (which is something), which have to do with something, but that doesn't make nothing something. It is true that there must be something (intelligent life) to comprehend nothing, but comprehension is far from necessary for nothing to exist.

As for the lack of something leaving us nothing to call nothing, we have already established that the lack of something would really leave us nobody to call nothing nothing, or nothing to call nothing nothing. Which I might point out shows (even with your own flawed logic) that nothing would still exist in the absence of something. However, this is really the only place (this issue of perception) in which your case holds some small merit. You seem to believe that people must comprehend and label nothing in order for "it" to exist. Yes, in order for people to comprehend nothing there must be 1) People, and 2) something to use as a label to draw a line between the concepts of nothing and anything. But this idea is based on the assumption that perception changes a thing or indeed changes nothing.

There are documented cases where perception changes nothing but only in the sense that it does not change anything except the person who has developed the perception. Certainly, nothing (the real nothing that exists in the sense that "it" doesn't) has not been changed in the slightest by perception. Although it is true to say that at times something has been changed by perception, this doesn't tie it to my previous statement because something and nothing are not necessarily related, as you might expect due to the fact that they are not usually opposites and certainly not mutually exclusive. Something may be able to displace nothing (this is a point of great debate), nothing may be able to replace something (this is also hotly debated), but nothing cannot negate something in any equation. See my "Volley Nothing" blog posting on February 3rd 2007 for further details. http://xymyl.blogspot.com/2007/02/q-volley-nothing.html for more information regarding acceptable use of nothing as an opposite of something.

This idea that one thing or indeed nothing needs something to bring it (or "it") into existence is a just a rip off of the old chicken and egg argument. I will reiterate that the word nothing required something or someone to coin that word, but that word is unnecessary if nothing exists in the sense that everything doesn't. As for the chicken or the egg argument, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" I had an answer for that simple argument when I was an 8 year old chicken farmer. The birds that are today called chickens were derived primarily from Red Jungle Fowl and at times interbred with other fowl. The fact that selective breeding has been used to develop the various strains of chickens that exist throughout the world means that there was a point of divergence from it's ancestral form at which it began to be called "chicken". This chicken would have arrived via the egg which was produced from parents that were closer to the original characteristics of the main progenitors. Being that the resultant chicken would be markedly different from its parents and would arrive via the egg, we have to conclude that the egg came first because that first chicken had parents that were either Red Jungle Fowl or an intermediate form. Sorry for the wordiness, just wanted to make it clear.

As for your question regarding the absence of something, yes, you could say that you have the absence of something, which would be a true opposite of something and thus is also something. To say you have nothing when you lose something is more of a figure of speech than a literal statement, but it can be appropriate to use such a term if all or almost all of the specific category of something to which you were referring had been mislaid.

Of course, nothing isn't.

--Xymyl (KON)

Fanmail: Hypocrisy expert?

On May 24, 2007, at 4:23 PM, Aryeh Lewis wrote:

I've been reading your blog for quite some time now, ever since you called me a maniac for laughing manically (naturally... because that kind of caused me to laugh manically once again).

Anyways, I just would like to let you know that I have, as of today, come to the final conclusion that your entire company ought to be sued for the biggest load of hypocrisy I've ever seen!!!

I mean... you're not actually an expert in nothing! You're an expert in making people laugh hysterically, and double antangeras, and heck! You could even run for president with your languistic skills! You're not a nothing expert at ALL! You're in fact, an expert on so many somethings that I must say... you really deserve to be put in prison for stealing all that money from all those fools who believed you to actually know nothing!

That said, I think I'ld like to order nothing and a book about "it." :)

To which I replied:

Thank you for your kind words and your insults.

Yes, it would appear that I am no expert on nothing because it often appears that I do indeed know everything. I want to point out that I do not know everything. I have a good grasp of many general concepts and I am awesome. But this doesn't make me an expert on everything, just awesome, that's all.

Just because I happen to know something and be awesome doesn't preclude my ability to know nothing. In fact, nothing is actually enhanced by my knowledge and awesomeness, because how could "it" be?

I hope that this clears up the confusion you had regarding my non-expert status. But I hope that the restoration of my credibility in your eyes does not dissuade you from buying nothing from me.

Thanks again.
--Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Much ado about Matrix Reloaded...

On May 18, 2007, at 8:20 PM, Richard wrote:

Dear Sir,

I just watched the Matrix Reloaded, and it occured to me that it is nothing.

Nothing was said. Nothing occurred. Often characters (if there were
any) acted, and those actions changed nothing and meant nothing. For
Neo, who was nothing, nothing seemed to be able to stop him from his
relentless pursuit of nothing. It was great the way he saved Trinity
in the end so that together they could do nothing.

I really empathised with the characters. They seemed to feel nothing
and when I watched the film I felt nothing too.

My question is: what exactly was being 'reloaded' if the result was
nothing? If nothing squared equals nothing, that is indisputable
evidance for something.

Any thoughts?

Cheers,

Richard

To which I replied:

Richard,

Thank you for your thoughtful dissection of Matrix Reloaded. Your willingness to wait four years to watch the movie or to write this e-mail and hold onto it for up to four years before sending it to us shows that you have the potential to really sit around doing nothing professionally one day. No hurry.

The answer to your question is that there were many things being reloaded, 1) the same effects from the original film were "reloaded", 2) the same theatre goers were "reloaded" into theaters to watch the movie, 3) many of the same actors were "reloaded" to make the whole reloading process that much more visceral, 3) the same story lines were also "reloaded" so that it was almost like the same movie was just reloaded into the can. Naturally, all of this reloading resulted in a certain negation akin to white noise and as such would be commonly characterized by a metaphorical "nothing" which is an appropriate topic for this forum.

As for your statement about nothing squared equalling nothing, I'm not quite sure where you are trying to take that. But no, that is not evidence for something (well, it could be evidence of math wasting everyones valuable time, but that can be proved in many other ways). But we also don't need any evidence for something besides its existence. Sometimes, even that seems excessive.

--Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Where's my shirt?

On May 9, 2007, at 11:52 AM, Steve H. wrote:

I mailed you a check for $20 for a black, size large, nothing T-shirt and I have not received it. I mailed the check in mid-April. Could you please let me know if you received the check and when i can expect to get my T-Shirt? Thanks

To which I replied:

Hi Steve,

We got your check and we will send out your shirt as promised. As our site says, 4 to 8 weeks to delivery.

We know that is a long time to wait for a shirt, but we have enjoyed spending the last few weeks hanging out with your check. That's right, we haven't even brought it to the bank yet, the extra time we take to cash your check or send your shirt is our way of saying thank you for your purchase.

Remember, we think nothing is more important than a satisfied customer, and we were doing nothing important at the time we got your check.

In all seriousness, we have been considering running our operation like a real business, actually making money, processing orders at greater speed, etc, we even put tee shirts up for sale on Amazon. Sure you pay a little more, but then we send your tee-shirt within two days. Perhaps one day we will just be another big corporation that wastes peoples time at random without caring. In many ways that would be very cool. But for now we are still just thinking about you and staring at your check. It is a very nice check with what appears to be a simple herringbone pattern, but on closer inspection you can see that the pattern isn't connected but then you start to think that the pattern... I'm sorry, I'm deliberately stalling for time.

We'll send that right out to you.... well, give us just a couple more days.

Xymyl (KON)

To which Steve responded:

Hey, thanks for nothing! Well, for the time being at least. I am encouraged by your thoughtful note however and will look forward to receiving nothing from you real soon. In the meantime you may continue to gaze longingly at the herringbone pattern on my check. However you will find it even more rewarding if you cash it. Of course that would constitute my giving you something in return for nothing. Aside from a good laugh and a T-shirt.

Best regards,
Steve H.

Fanmail: A warning...

On May 10, 2007, at 5:25 PM, Bane93@aol.com wrote:

www.something.com
it threatens your entire existence be careful

signed,
Noman

To which I replied:

Hi Noman,

Thanks for the heads up!

We aren't too worried though, as we have been barraged by anything and everything for all eternity. And as far as that goes, something doesn't necessarily threaten our existence as much as it threatens us WITH existence. We already know that we exist. We know that even we are something, some might even go so far as to say that to them we are everything. We remain extant in spite of something, anything and everything with a stated purpose. That purpose, of course, isn't.

Thank you for your outstanding efforts to protect nothing important from something insignificant!

--Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Many questions about nothing

On May 4, 2007, at 10:43 PM, Sean Craft wrote a letter with many questions. These questions have been placed into this blog in an easy to read question and answer format. Enjoy:

X: Hello Sean, Thank you for your interest in nothing. We are always eager to help meager young minds to comprehend nothing. We have taken our time to pore over your questions and feel that we have adequately answered them. If you feel that we have not answered them in a satisfactory way then we suggest that you go do something with yourself.

SC: I'm just wondering, You wouldn't happen to have any empty spaces for nobodies, who normally would be doing nothing, but really need nothing else to do, would you?

X: Yes and no.

SC: Is nothing really nothing or could it be something more than nothing as some philosophers have thought?

X: Yes and no.

SC: Is it hard to package nothing?

X: Yes and no.

SC: Sorry for all the questions, but I really have nothing else to be doing at the moment.

X: Oh, that's alright. We love to talk about nothing. Answering your questions has really been a joy for me personally as it has brought back many memories of my childhood. Treasured moments from the past, which I will cherish forever, mostly dreams, but still great times. One in particular was when I was floating in a void of space, then slowly lowered down a dark brown mesh tube. All I could see were my hands reaching out in front of me feeling for anything, but nothing was there. The dream seemed to be on a perpetual loop. It started with an infinite memory of the dream repeating, as though the dream had always been happening to me even before my existence. Eventually the dream just ended, apparently before it had ever began.

SC: What are your beliefs on who it was or how nothing was created?

X: None.

SC: I can imagine that nothing could deter you from pursuing your studies of nothing, but if something could, deter you from nothing, what would that something be?

X: First of all, nothing couldn't even stop us from studying nothing. But if anything could, it would be teaching others about nothing.

SC: I trust you will divulge nothing of our conversations to noone else unless they have nothing to do with nothing.

X: If you mean that you hope I'll post this on the blog, yes, I will.

SC: Nothing is a hard topic to study is it not?

X: Yes and no.

SC: Once more, I'm sorry for being so inquisitive as to the value, study, and pursuit of nothing.

X: Once again I must remind you that we enjoy sharing our knowledge about nothing. Do not be ashamed of your interest in nothing, or for your need of assistance with nothing. Although the first three questions were very difficult to answer, I felt it was worth the extra effort to give you an in-depth generalization. That's why I didn't try very hard to answer them. On the other hand, those same questions were very simple and straightforward. Being that they were so easy to answer made me pause and really ruminate on them until I came up with the same exact answer I already had.

Thank you again.

--Xymyl (KON)

Fanmail: A graduation

For several weeks a fan named Sea Bass has been writing us e-mails explaining how he has nothing to say. We had faith that he would one day really have nothing to say and today our dreams came true because....

On Apr 16, 2007, at 7:52 AM, Sea Bass finally wrote:


And I responded:

Sea Bass,

Thank you for your lack of words, finally, you really do have nothing to say! We have been waiting for this moment since your first e-mail on march 20th. We consider this your graduation. We will be carving your name on a piece of rice and throwing it beneath our conference table, we guarantee that it will remain on display for a minimum of two days.

Congratulations!

Xymyl (KON)

Fanmail: Tear duct tribute to nothing...

On Apr 15, 2007, at 9:59 PM, Nicole Davis wrote:

I have nothing to do. Now because of this site, I know nothing makes sense, and I wish more people would strive for nothing and finally we will all realize that we have nothing to worry about.

Thank you for nothing. I llaughed unntil the tears ran from my face annd then I had nothing left.

I have nithing else to say.

N. Davis
A fan of nothing
Nicole,

To which I replied:

My heart skipped a beat when I read your letter which was posted all around the office and even incorporated into our greeting cards. Thank you for getting my heart to shut up for a moment. That moment of silence helped me to see nothing slightly more clearly than nearly ever before. Actually it did nothing for me, but I say that to people way too often.

I'm very glad to see that you have nothing to do and that nothing finally makes sense to you. I'm sorry that you are worrying about nothing though. Although that is our intention with certain people we certainly don't want everyone to worry about nothing. So we will tell you what a disturbed fan recently told us, "if you say nothing, I'm gonna kill you!! haha". For us, the most frightening part of the threat was the maniacal laughter they typed in. Hopefully, this will strike you with terror as well, so you can stop worrying about nothing and get on with your life.

Thank you for emptying your tear ducts as a tribute to nothing. We will erect a small shrine the size of a dust particle in your honor, which will be swept around the office for a minimum of two weeks.

Thank you for your heart pausing interest in nothing.

Xymyl (KON)

Q&A No lack of nothing...

On Apr 10, 2007, at 6:04 AM, Aryeh Lewis wrote:

but... but... but there's no lack of nothing!!
What's so special about the nothing we get when we sign your order forms?

(if you say nothing, I'm gonna KILL you!! haha)

To which I responded:

I would say nothing, but you claim that I will be killed for that simple, correct answer. So I will say another simple and true answer. When we sell nothing you get the instructions. We make no claims that this is an exhaustive resource, but it certainly gets you thinking about nothing and how easy it is to make nothing a major part of your daily life. It includes sections about safety, nothing to do, nothing to say, nothing to eat, nothing to wear, troubleshooting, and even information on how to install the NO/OS.

As for your comment about there being no lack of nothing, I must submit that there is also no surplus of nothing. If you want to get all technical about it there is also no supply of nothing. But we have recently expanded our warehouses to cover infinite space. That means that now all of our warehouses overlap, thus creating the most redundant access to nothing imaginable. When someone buys nothing, they don't want to buy nothing from the guy on the corner who doesn't know nothing, who doesn't have access to the largest empty warehouses in or out of the universe, who can't explain what nothing isn't, or how "it" does or doesn't work. They want nothing to be reliable and predictable. They want to know that they are dealing with the one distribution house that has been authorized to distribute nothing universally. They want to know that nothing they buy is no gimmick, but that "it" really isn't something, everything or anything. There is only one place to get nothing like that, right here.

As for your question in an earlier e-mail question regarding how many e-mails we get each day, we get a different amount of e-mail each day. Often times there are far too many to answer, but other times there are too few to answer. I have to admit that nothing is not as popular as "it" once was. We have had millions of viewers over the years, but people seem to like to see change, so they eventually stop coming. If nothing was going to be about anything (which "it" isn't) "it" would be about not changing anything. Still, we get several hundred unique visitors a day, which is nothing to sneeze at. I don't understand that phrase, but it had the word nothing in it so I decided to use it.

Thank you for your interest in nothing and e-mail.

Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Can we really order shirts? Answered again...

On Apr 11, 2007, at 12:12 PM, Tom McLeod wrote:

if I order a nothing T-Shirt will I really get one? I don't want to waste money.

To which I responded:

Yes, you'll get a shirt! In fact, to prove they are real we have them available on Amazon now. Just follow this link: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000PCOB6C

There are just a few available right now, but here at nothing.net we like to see how close to "0" we can get. As soon as we run out there will be more available.

Thanks for your interest in nothing (and shirts).

Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Can we really order shirts?

On Mar 29, 2007, at 9:58 AM, Mike Kust wrote:

Is ordering that t-shirt thing real? Just a question. If not it should that would be AWESOME

To which I responded:

Yes, you can order a tee-shirt by printing, filling out and mailing our easy to use insecure store form. In just a few days we will start selling our tee-shirts and a few other select nothing related items on Amazon. We know that the true nothing loyalists appreciate the irony that can be achieved by ordering nothing (or in fact anything) with our gloriously outdated means of transacting. But we also appreciate that it is so cheap to do e-business these days that we can no longer pretend that our budget does not allow for a little online shopping.

We are proud to do all of this for nothing, but there is nothing wrong with getting a little something back.

Xymyl (KON)

Q&A Religion punishing nothing doers...

On Mar 31, 2007, at 12:52 AM, john cash wrote:

i think in most popular religions theres a possibility of getting punished for doing nothing
but no possibility of getting rewarded doing nothing , am i right?

To which I replied:

Although I cannot claim to be an expert on all the worlds religions, I am the worlds foremost expert on nothing. As such, I would have to say that while there is some possibility of being punished for doing nothing, I think it is much more likely that you would be simply thought little of. Certainly, many religions of various origins would frown upon doing nothing to save someone who was drowning, or doing nothing to help a person in great need.

In these instances, It is a simple matter of knowing that something is right and then not doing it.

However, if someone is offered an opportunity to assist in a bank robbery and they decide to sit on the beach watching people drown, that would be a bit of a toss-up for the majority of religions out there.

You are right about one thing, most religions (as well as most other organizations one might join) would not reward doing nothing. Many, for the simple fact that there is rarely any way of knowing that someone was doing nothing, so even the organizations that would love to reward the doing of nothing have to settle for rewarding the people who do less bad stuff. That isn't so bad for all of us who just love to spend a day doing nothing, because doing nothing is its own reward.

Nothing is more important to me right now than making sure this issue is fully explained to you, so I hope what I already said is good enough.

Xymyl (KON) Stating the obvious and signing out.

Fanmail: nobody helps me with nothing

On Mar 24, 2007, at 11:00 PM, jon dieks wrote:

well thank you again for a swift response to my e-mail but once again i found myself sadend by your response and relised i was was going nowhere with all this. but since i was going nowhere i figured i might as well talk to no one about this. no one said" i should talk to nobody about nothing". i decided that might be a good idea so i asked nobody about nothing. and nobody said " nothing is possible" and that sparked my hope(because i was starting to get depressed about the whole situation). so i inquired as to how . nobody told me to close my eyes and think of nothing, then open them. and guess what!!!!!!!! NOTHING HAPPEND!!!! so nobody said to me that even though i may be something or somebody. that nothing always happens. that i should be thankful for nothing. so i will thank nobody for nothing. and thank you for nothing. i sure hope you haven't cornerd the market on nothing. as i like to get in on this action of nothing. i thought about burning stuff and building my electro magnetic magnet but relized it takes a whole lot of something to get nothing. so well i may still dream of nothing,hope for nothing ,or want nothing, i've relised that i am getting nothing out of life. which makes me so happy(nothing excites me). but as i end this i've noticed that for someone who has a website about nothing you sure know alot about something.

To which I responded:

I am glad you were able to find nobody to help you with nothing. And what wasn't said by anyone was also said by you, and it is true. When we are willing to listen to nobody then nothing is possible. I am positively (yes positively) thrilled that no one was able to restore your hope in nothing. And even though this may seem to slightly contradict the facts (and lack thereof) that I have shared with you in previous correspondences, I must say, your story is nothing if not a success.

As for your desire to embark on a nothing venture, we do have what is referred to as a nonopoly on nothing. This means that we have the exclusive right to sell nothing. You may wonder how this could be, and ask, "Isn't everything regulated by the world governments?" Of course, as you mouth these words you will be struck by the fact that nothing isn't regulated by the world governments in some way or another. This means that we stand alone as the one entity with control over nothing. Yes, we are the only group with full authority over nothing. We plan to keep it that way. But this doesn't mean that nothing can't be yours, just that "it" isn't.

As for knowing a lot about something, we have to, we are surrounded by it. But to us something isn't a hinderance, it is simply an obstacle to be overcome to get back to "the cold dead void" of nothing, where we feel most comfortable. We feel less and less and/or more and more significant with each piece of trivia we accidentally learn while educating the world about nothing. Since the blessing is thus a curse and the curse a blessing, the knowledge we take in often times achieves its own negation due to the knowledge (or lack thereof) that is imparted as a product of its use.

People sometimes say that we take nothing seriously. I would say to everyone that nothing should be taken too seriously, way too seriously. And can nothing really be taken too seriously? No. But why not try?

Thank you for your thanks for nothing. Your infinite journey has begun.

--Xymyl (KON)

Fanmail: still determined to be nothing

On Mar 22, 2007, at 5:08 PM, jon dieks wrote:

although relativley dismayed at the prospect of never being nothing.as in my e-mail wanting to be nothing.i but i've found a new hope. it all relates to my consciousness as the expression " i think there for i am" so even if my physical self cannot in effect become nothing but ash molicules atoms or energy if i lost the abillity to be conscious i would not know i was ash molicules atoms energy protons nucleons or any other ions or eons i would ineffect be come nothing. because i wouldn't be able to think of something. and as we all know notyhing is perfect. so one glorious day nothing may be mine.

To which I responded:

I'm also deeply saddened at the thought that you cannot be nothing. If you were nothing I could sell you for 5 dollars.

I can see that you are very driven to succeed at nothing, especially at becoming nothing. You remind me of nobody specific. I remember distinctly talking to him about something, and he got mad, I had to say nothing louder than I had ever yelled before to explain to him that I was kidding. But I'll tell you this, If you have even none of the dedication he had to nothing, you won't get far. And I don't need to tell you that that's not saying much.

The phrase you are referring to, "I think, therefore I am" is a truncated form of a phrase less popular (but nonetheless popularized) by René Descartes, "I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am". Indeed, the shortened and long versions of this phrase are not truly negated by their inversion. And the subject "I" exists, at least as forensic evidence. On the shorty tip, the inverse of our famous phrase of discussion would perhaps be "I think not, therefore I am not" or "I think not, therefore I am nothing" or perhaps "I do not think, therefore I am nothing" this interpretation is easily put to rest when we realize that trees, rocks, and even earthworms, "think not" and yet "are". Also, if "I think not" was used as it often is, as a statement of doubt, then the philosophical crux of your gist would have been overridden by itself, being that "I think not, therefore I am" is almost identical in meaning to our original source phrase. Of course, you know that I could go on and on, but suffice it to say that fulfilling the broader meaning of a phrase during an attempt at its nullification is not going to accomplish nothing. Certainly, the existence of the subject "I" proves being. He could have just said, "I". That would have been good enough for me.

It is interesting to note that not all of René D's thoughts were completely abolished at his demise. He had apparently wanted to be "am" for as long as possible, so he had the faith that if he wrote down his doubts and other whimsical musings, they would be preserved for us so that in a sense he would still be with us, to impart doubts about the very things he believed in. Of course, in a very real sense, he's dead. But give him props 'cause dude's still am'n it old school!

If you find a way to doubt after your own death then you will have still earned your pi meson (sized) shrine as promised. Of course Descartes was also a math addict, he was all about precise convolution. In a very real way the guy was "all up in everything's business" and I most certainly mean that in a way, but he wasted peoples time, and he's still doing it every day at school even though he's long gone.

To summarize, no thought does equal nothing in relation to thought itself, but if those thoughts are preserved in, oh I don't know, perhaps an e-mail, then in a sense those thoughts still exist. So you are speaking of an existence devoid of future thought. Many people who are still alive and going through their daily activities never come up with even 1 original thought. They live each day as though nothing has happened to them. And that's not far away from the truth.

I have faith in you, the same type of faith as a man who doubts. I believe in your ability to create an electromagnet so powerful that you will be able to destroy all the data on every computer in the world that may contain any record of your existence and/or the existence of your thoughts. I believe in your ability to burn down your house so thoroughly that not a minute trace of your existence will be left at that location. I believe that you can find every copy of your social security number that you've ever put on a medical form or given to an employer or prospective employer and pour kerosene on them and ignite them without once being noticed. I believe you can track down and destroy every school you ever went to. I believe you can expunge your FBI files. Clearly I could go on and on, suffice it to say, I believe you can get rid of every shred of information that says you exist, and when this is accomplished, I believe you will send me an e-mail telling me you did it. The irony will be worth it, because all of that would have been for nothing.

--Xymyl KON)